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THE BINGHAMTON UNIVERSITY TIMES TRIBUNE
BU's only intentionally satirical news source
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BINGHAMTON REVIEW PRAISES CAMPUS YAPPER
BINGHAMTON, NY – Religion. I know, I flinched a little too. Frightening as it may be, it has weaseled its way into many aspects of life...
Andrew Schiller
Oct 11, 20232 min read
69 views


Mraaaaaawr! Baxter on the Prowl for Cougars During Family Weekend
Janitorial Closet, University Union- Baxter stared down at an empty sleeping bag. It’d been 14 days since Baxter last had company. The...
Calvin Matthes
Oct 9, 20231 min read
23 views


Binghamton Medieval History Professor Unearths Ancient Arthurian Erotica
IF YOU’RE A DUMB DIRTY DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SKIP TO THE MEDIEVAL EROTICA, CLICK ME! It was a day like any other. Associate Professor...
Max Lieber
Oct 6, 20238 min read
52 views


Study Shows Samsung Users Make Most Other People Feel A Little Uncomfortable
BINGHAMTON, NY— A recent study spearheaded by the Binghamton University Psychology Department found that owning a Samsung phone often...
David Belkin
Oct 4, 20232 min read
26 views


BU Highest on World Report List after Showcasing Support for US Military Industrial Complex
Binghamton, NY — WW2 veteran and war hero Baxter Bearcat comes out of retirement to support General Stenger’s efforts against Terrorism....
M H
Sep 26, 20232 min read
101 views


Organization Housing Aliens on Binghamton Campus to Experiment on Students
BINGHAMTON, NY – There are a lot of companies and organizations who come waltzing into Binghamton University with the objective of...
Andrew Schiller
Sep 25, 20232 min read
25 views


ONEIDA THONGLER FIGHTS SENECA FIRE GUY
This Saturday night, the first match in the CIW Fighting Championship happened between Seneca’s favorite meal burner, Fire Guy, and...
Madison Cardiel and Yuri Mumm
Sep 24, 20232 min read
60 views


Is True Love Possible for an Anti-Abortion Jesuit Girl and Bi-Curious Frat Boy? We Calculated It!
Glenn G. Bartle Library Tower- It was a routine pro life canvassing event when two individuals so different yet so repressed locked eyes:...
Calvin Matthes
Sep 23, 20232 min read
27 views


How to Break into the Anderson Theaters for Free
What’s that? You don’t have $8 to spare after Binghamton sucked you so dry from tuition fees, parking “violations,” and the potential...
Maxwell Maceluch
Sep 22, 20233 min read
29 views


Are You a Bad Person?
I’ve posed the question to students on campus “Hey, what pisses you off?”and have compiled a checklist of wretched things people have...
Gabby Cafaro
Sep 21, 20233 min read
174 views


WOMEN BEWARE! The East Gym Experiences 1920s Time Warp Following Discovery of Disease
As Binghamton University is finally coming out of its Malevian time warp, one part of campus seems to stay the same; the East Gym is...
Dorothy Fitzgerald
Sep 18, 20232 min read
26 views


Beheading Video Circulates Around Campus Following Oneida Laundry Incident
In a spectacle not seen since the early 2000s, a video of a person getting fucking decapitated has been spread through social media...
Yuri Mumm
Sep 13, 20232 min read
27 views


Professor Contracts Mysterious “Covid-Like” Disease
It is no secret that for approximately the last year and a half, the Coronavirus has been effectively eradicated. And in the time since...
David Belkin
Sep 13, 20232 min read
14 views


Dining Halls Devastated by Pepsi Products or: How I Learned to Start Worrying and Hate the Pepsi Co.
Have you ever entered the dining hall and thought “Wow, I can’t wait for a nice cold flimsy paper cup of Pepsi?" No. You haven’t. No one...
Genevieve Rolnick
Sep 13, 20231 min read
15 views


Three Dead and Four Missing at Milkshake Line
On August 29th, what was advertised as an exciting event for Binghamton students took a sharp turn as chaos ensued in the Marketplace....
Madison Cardiel
Sep 13, 20231 min read
8 views


Astroturf is King! Another Win for Binghamton University Students
In all their ingenuity and benevolence, Binghamton University has generously set aside some money from their 60-million dollar allowance...
Charlie Strecker
Sep 13, 20232 min read
6 views


Diabolical Professor Storms CIW with Personal Army
On the Friday of the First Week of classes, an invasion occurred within the CIW complex. Armed assailants congregated in front of the...
Yuri Mumm
Sep 13, 20232 min read
10 views


“WANT TO FIND YOUR SCHEDULE? FUCK YOU AND EAT SHIT AND DICK ASSHOLE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT”
BINGHAMTON, NY – Ahh, the beginning of a new semester at Binghamton University. Unfortunately, you all know what it’s like. Going to...
Andrew Schiller
Sep 13, 20232 min read
28 views


We're So Back (& What You Missed)
The website, that is! After so much further blood sacrifice that all we can taste is iron, the BUTimesTribune has been released from its...

BU Times Tribune
Sep 12, 20231 min read
10 views


Good Luck Getting This Article to Load
BINGHAMTON, NY— Students across campus were hit with an internet outage on their first day of classes. This meant that students were...
David Belkin
Aug 29, 20231 min read
33 views
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