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  • Madison Cardiel and Yuri Mumm

ONEIDA THONGLER FIGHTS SENECA FIRE GUY


This Saturday night, the first match in the CIW Fighting Championship happened between Seneca’s favorite meal burner, Fire Guy, and Oneida’s Lingerie Larcener, the Thongler.


The first match lasted for three minutes and consisted of pitiful slap-fighting on the muddy terrain of the Nature Preserve, disturbing the local chipmunk community. The chipmunks were quoted with the following remarks: “Chichichichcichcichcichcichcucuhcuch.”


The two combatants appear equally matched to cause discomfort and mild inconvenience. But to the experienced analytical minds of BUTT Sports, these two sickos are anything but equal.


THONGLER STATS:

  • Underwear thongled: 47 pairs

  • Women made to feel unsafe: Yes.

  • Deviantart Sonic Inflation art made: 13

  • Height: 1’8 (He’s just a little guy)

  • Weight: 15 lbs (Equivalent of two chihuahuas).


FIRE GUY STATS:

  • Meals burnt in the span of 24 hours: 2

  • Buildings evacuated: 1 (Twice tho)

  • People pissed off: Approximately 53 students

  • Height: 6’9

  • Weight: 420 lbs (Muscle mass, it’s bulking season)


Thankfully, these stat blocks make the match up obvious to any fine reader of the BUTT, given their reasonable levels of edusmucation.


Returning to the fight, the Second match consisted of a gentleman’s preferred sport: Chessboxing, a sport in which big beefy boxer men sit down to play the world’s dweebiest game.


Fire Guy punched the Thongler through several sheets of plywood, leaving a comical trail of Thongler sized holes in the walls of the CIW dining hall. Spectators reported that rock-hard buns of gluten-free bread were left scattered in the carnage.


The final fight of the championship, the penultimate showdown of superiority, escalated into what has been described as “Looney Toons styled antics” on the roof of the Library Tower.


One viewer of the match described, “The thong freak pulled out like a comically large hammer. Then the guy who kept burning food used a grabby claw to give the gangly little pervert an atomic wedgie. It was crazy, man.”


With a resounding, satisfying clang, heard across the valleys and hills of Upstate New York, Fire Guy vanquished the leprechaun-like bastard (not a swear word, citation, the bible) with a charred frying pan. Inside sources say that the Thongler went to Health Services afterwards with a comical bump on the top of his head.


“Thongle that, Pea-Brain,” said the Fire Guy after the match, shortly before burning Kraft mac and cheese for the third time.


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