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  • Andrew Schiller

Organization Housing Aliens on Binghamton Campus to Experiment on Students

BINGHAMTON, NY – There are a lot of companies and organizations who come

waltzing into Binghamton University with the objective of pushing their agendas onto the

unwitting students. However, one such organization has had their plan in the works for

much longer than normal, and it is no coincidence that they have ulterior motives. In

fact, their goal is to have aliens perform extrajudicial experiments on humans to gather

data on their physical, mental, and emotional behaviors. “But who?” you ask. “What kind

of organization is so underhanded that they would ask extraterrestrial beings for

assistance with such a cruel undertaking and with keeping the whole operation safe

from governmental jurisdiction?” Well, my friend, that organization is one PETA.

A few days ago, the PETA-mobile arrived on campus sporting a virtual reality simulation;

this simulation depicts humans undergoing experiments that are commonly performed

on monkeys. Some may be hesitant to try it, but we here at the BUTT fear nothing

except the ticking bomb that is the passage of time. Before strapping the device to your

head and sitting you down in the chair, the worker explains that you may return from the

“matrix” if the simulation is too loud, soft, or disturbing. While this puts up the guise that

PETA is simply looking out for your well-being, DO NOT be fooled. This interaction

allows PETA to record the number and percentage of humans that would try to escape

from the experiments and the triggers that would provoke them to do so. The use of the

term “matrix” also proves that they associate with Andrew Tate, which is another

common speculation.

While your experience seems to end when you exit the PETA-mobile, that may not be

the case. Reese Urcher, Binghamton alum and PETA employee, told us some very

important information about this situation: “The aliens are on campus as we speak.

They live in Oneida so that they can blend in. [President] Stenger had them build a

secret Science 6, and that’s where they’re going to do their experiments. They’re only

picking students who don’t show fear or empathy during the simulation. It’s so that

they’ll have more cooperative test subjects.” When probed about the accusation in a

private interview, Binghamton University President Jerry Stenger only had this to say:

“Aliens? What aliens? Oh, those aliens. They’re nice… I mean, uhh, I would think they

were nice if I got to meet them, which I did… didn’t! Didn’t! Oh…”

More information about these aliens, their experiments, and their relationship with PETA

and the university is currently unknown. In the meantime, if you’ve sat through the

simulation in its entirety without any complaints, may God have mercy on your soul.

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