BINGHAMTON, NY – Religion. I know, I flinched a little too. Frightening as it may be, it has weaseled its way into many aspects of life over the years. For example, the main religion in the United States is Christianity, and nowhere is it more prevalent than… Binghamton University? That’s demonstrably not true, but last week, Bing was nonetheless the target of professional yapper Keith Darrell. Standing near the entrance of Bartle Library Tower, Darrell tackled a lot of important topics including homosexuality, socialism, women, and consent. However, his main goal appeared to be preaching the good word of the Lord (who, according to him, is the same entity as Jesus Christ). He approached this goal by yelling at anybody who would listen and touting his trusty Bible. You might like to think that at such a liberal and Jewish university, undertakings like these would be immediately quashed. However, the yapper does have his supporters, not the least of which being our rival publication, the Binghamton Review.
Embracing its reputation as a right-leaning newspaper, the Review has begun planning a large-scale glorification of Darrell’s opinions and claims. On October 23rd, they plan to decorate their website in celebration of their brand-new annual “Yapper Week.” This overhaul will be accompanied by exclusively yapper-based articles. When asked about this event, Binghamton Review writer Brent Pantrick seemed quite excited about “get[ting] to retouch upon topics that he [Darrell] might have left unclear.” Living up to its self-proclaimed epithet, “The Last Refuge of Scholars,” Pantrick and his colleagues plan to cite several varied and reliable sources, such as Elon Musk, Newsmax, and the Holy Bible. We also interviewed several people who were seen reading the Binghamton Review, asking what they thought about the yapper to see if there was any correlation between the two variables. One individual, Jay Zuss, was very adamantly in favor of the yapper. He elaborated, saying that “it’s just nice to see a good Christian in times like these. I’ll get dad to let him into heaven.”
The Review’s influence does not stop at articles and websites; unfortunately, they have even used their vast power to convince Albany to remain neutral in the yapper situation. Several state troopers could be seen on the scene while the yapper yapped, which you would expect them to do. However, even as Darrell was yelling and inciting violent language from the crowd, they could only push the circle back and allow him to continue. Rayne Jerr, one of the officers, enlightened us: “Good soldiers follow orders, and I consider myself a soldier of the law […] it’s not my fault that I get a fifteen percent raise for being stationed here! Oh, uhh… you can leave that out, right?”
At the end of the day, the motives of the Yapper, the Review, and the State all remain unclear. However, what we do know is this: Binghamton stands with the Jews.