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  • Dorothy Fitzgerald

WOMEN BEWARE! The East Gym Experiences 1920s Time Warp Following Discovery of Disease

As Binghamton University is finally coming out of its Malevian time warp, one part of campus seems to stay the same; the East Gym is unfortunately still stuck in the 1920s due to lack of funding. The 1920s gym includes dirt roads (modern day treadmill), child workers (to lift the weights for you), and most importantly: a dress code that only applies to women! Unfortunately in this time period, women are not allowed to show their torso (especially their lower back). Breaking this rule in the East Gym could result in being forcibly covered up (with a modern day-bright green pinny) and being excommunicated from the building. Kindly, they do not throw you in jail or tell your husband so he can beat you! The reason for this dress code coming from the newspaper (website but that doesn’t exist yet) is that this dress code prevents diseases that spread through sweat. Finally, a cure from the plague! Although they do not enforce wiping down the machines (with this new invention called “clean water” and “soap”), they do think that women covering their bodies will stop diseases, because obviously all diseases are caused by women. Well, they aren’t this outright sexist about it; they do have a few signs that say men can’t wear a tank top. In law, it's equal! In practice, women are the only ones who are handed these ugly green pinnies.

Just the other day Helen Keller herself visited the East Gym. In an exclusive interview with her she recapped her experience; “Well I was trying to just run on my dirt road (modern-day treadmill) and the child worker told me my back was 'too exposed.' I questioned him, saying I can’t even see or hear but he slapped my face to make me understand! My question is, how is my sweat spreading diseases on a dirt road (treadmill) when my sweat would drip onto the ground and people now wear shoes on it. Waterrrrrrrr.”

Binghamton University is currently working to solve the time warp issue. Until then, if you do plan to work out and you are a woman, make sure to wear your most uncomfortable and covering attire. Some recommendations for gym attire from the Virgin Mary herself include…

- Nun Robes

- Turtleneck

- Suit and Tie

- Fur Coat

If these options seem uncomfortable to you (which they are), you are out of luck! If you aren’t a man, you should at least be dressing like one! Hopefully this issue will be resolved soon but until then, Happy 1920s everyone! The Great Depression (midterm season) is coming soon!

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