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THE BINGHAMTON UNIVERSITY TIMES TRIBUNE
BU's only intentionally satirical news source
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Which Previously Eradicated Disease Do You Have? Take This Quiz!
Which of the following best describes your symptoms? A G O N Y My peepnis fell off Boils absolutely everywhere I have a tummy ache Which...
Freyja Gréta Björnisdottir
Apr 291 min read
13 views


Finally, CEOs Don’t Have to Hide Their Child Slavery Practices!
Friends, comrades, gentleman, for years we of the world’s most oppressed, most downtrodden socio-economic class, the ultra-wealthy, have...
Preston Nero, CEO of Nero Industries
Apr 172 min read
10 views


Trump and Musk Appear on White House Lawn Selling Multi-Level Marketing Products: “Definitely Not a Pyramid Scheme”
Breaking news this weekend as President Trump and Other President Musk (his legal team has advised us to ignore the doll eyes) appeared...
Freyja Gréta Björnisdottir
Mar 272 min read
11 views


Trump’s New Cabinet: Fuck, Marry, or Kill?
With the Senate confirmation hearings for Donald Trump’s cabinet picks on the minds of many Americans, it is not only my patriotic duty...
Freyja Gréta Björnisdottir
Feb 23 min read
43 views


‘Nuts Out for Peanut’ Takes America by Storm Eight Years After Harambe
Since the death of that gorilla, no animal loss has sparked such intense outrage among liberals and conservatives alike — until now. The...
Matthew Moroney
Nov 11, 20242 min read
34 views


Jeb Bush Wins Mock Election at Binghamton University
Like many other Binghamton students, this year marks the first time in which I’ll be eligible to vote in the presidential election....
Sue Donim
Nov 4, 20242 min read
13 views


Elon Musk Unveils Portal to Evil Alternate “Dark MAGA” Universe Where Everyone Has Eyepatch, Goatee, or Scar
Following days of intense and intrepid investigative reporting — which in no way involved falling asleep in a dumpster outside Elon...
Lincoln LaMastro
Oct 17, 20242 min read
22 views


“A Sad Day for a Professional Killer”: Boeing Assassin Reveals Secrets in Tell-All Interview
The world was shook last spring by the tragic and untimely deaths of two employees of the aerospace company Boeing, both of them cut down...
Lincoln LaMastro
Oct 9, 20243 min read
16 views


Oiling Up a Türkiye: Former NY Mayor Adams to Become Cellmate with Diddy
BINGHAMTON, NY – As the wise Ke$ha once said, “Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.” And you know what, Ke$ha? Sometimes, I...
Andrew Schiller
Oct 2, 20242 min read
29 views


Decker Gives Baxter 79th Trimester Abortion, “Execution-Style”
Binghamton University’s Decker Student Health Services Center announced ereyesterday that they had swiftly performed a 79th trimester...
J.T.
Sep 17, 20242 min read
42 views


Elon Musk Discovers Puppy Play
Pictures circulating online have shown Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and SpaceX; owner of Twitter (which he also calls X); and professional...
S
Sep 10, 20241 min read
30 views


DEA Hosts Annual Potluck for Repossessed Drugs
LAS VEGAS, NEVADA— Every year the Vegas strip sees thousands of DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) fraternities descend upon the city to...
Calvin Matthes
Feb 15, 20243 min read
13 views


BREAKING: George Santos Caught Being a Naughty Little Boy
BINGHAMTON, NY – Fellas, there’s just no way around it. We all like to have a little “fun” sometimes, but no matter what, it requires...
Andrew Schiller
Dec 12, 20233 min read
48 views


Guy Trying to Ban Drag Definitely Wears High Heels
Okay, we’ll admit it- writing satire is really hard. Coming up with all of these off-the-wall, absolutely bananas ideas takes time and...
Madison Cardiel
Nov 5, 20231 min read
16 views


Trump Arrest Revealed to be Part of New Trump Organization Reality TV Series, "Art of the Steal"
In a stunning turn of events, former President Donald Trump's highly publicized indictment has been announced by the Trump Organization...
Sam Wheeler
Apr 19, 20233 min read
43 views


Donald Trump Held in Superposition State Prison Where He Is Simultaneously Arrested/Free
Much confusion has spread over what should be a seemingly simple, innocuous inquiry: has former President Donald Trump been arrested for...
Maxwell Maceluch
Mar 30, 20232 min read
50 views


Rep. Greene Warns Supporters That AI Voice Technology Could Frame Her For Saying Something Tolerant
Amidst fears that AI could be misused for nefarious political purposes, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) tweeted out to her supporters...
Ethan Lam
Mar 24, 20233 min read
24 views


"Damn, this place is a shithole”: CCP Releases First Statement Following S. Carolina Balloon Fiasco
The Chinese Communist Party has just released an official report following the recent controversy regarding their so-called “weather”...
Sam Wheeler
Feb 28, 20233 min read
76 views


U.S. Military Promises to Install M.O.A.B. Maulers On F-22 Jets
This week, tensions between the United States and China reached a boiling point as four Chinese spy balloons were blasted out of the sky...
Brendan Boyce
Feb 16, 20232 min read
22 views


Department of Health and Human Services Proposes New “Wall of Guns” Assisted Suicide Program
With the recent commercialization of Canada’s now loose Medical Assistance in Dying (MAID) law, many below the glorious Great White North...
Maxwell Maceluch
Dec 8, 20223 min read
59 views
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