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THE BINGHAMTON UNIVERSITY TIMES TRIBUNE
BU's only intentionally satirical news source
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Which Previously Eradicated Disease Do You Have? Take This Quiz!
Which of the following best describes your symptoms? A G O N Y My peepnis fell off Boils absolutely everywhere I have a tummy ache Which...
Freyja Gréta Björnisdottir
Apr 291 min read
14 views


Finally, CEOs Don’t Have to Hide Their Child Slavery Practices!
Friends, comrades, gentleman, for years we of the world’s most oppressed, most downtrodden socio-economic class, the ultra-wealthy, have...
Preston Nero, CEO of Nero Industries
Apr 172 min read
11 views


‘Nuts Out for Peanut’ Takes America by Storm Eight Years After Harambe
Since the death of that gorilla, no animal loss has sparked such intense outrage among liberals and conservatives alike — until now. The...
Matthew Moroney
Nov 11, 20242 min read
34 views


Elon Musk Unveils Portal to Evil Alternate “Dark MAGA” Universe Where Everyone Has Eyepatch, Goatee, or Scar
Following days of intense and intrepid investigative reporting — which in no way involved falling asleep in a dumpster outside Elon...
Lincoln LaMastro
Oct 17, 20242 min read
22 views


“A Sad Day for a Professional Killer”: Boeing Assassin Reveals Secrets in Tell-All Interview
The world was shook last spring by the tragic and untimely deaths of two employees of the aerospace company Boeing, both of them cut down...
Lincoln LaMastro
Oct 9, 20243 min read
17 views


BUTT Becomes First-Ever News Organization to Switch From Newspaper to Newsplastic
Binghamton University’s BU BUTT Board voted this past Wednesday to transition their print medium from the industry-standard paper to...
Shirley Latefordinner
Sep 11, 20242 min read
35 views


Ripping That Ass Cart: Dispensaries Release Blend That Mimics Donald Trump’s Putrid Farts in Court
Celebrating both the momentous palindromic holiday that is 4/20/24 and Donald Trump’s hush money trial, dispensaries across the United...
Helmcue Clamwax
Apr 20, 20242 min read
20 views


Alpha Males Weakened, Sigma Males to Take Over
BINGHAMTON NY– A new disease is sweeping through Binghamton. This one only affects real men. As students took off their eclipse glasses...
Genevieve Rolnick
Apr 9, 20242 min read
38 views


NEW AMAZON PRIME VIDEO SHOW SPARKS CONTROVERSY AND DEGENERACY
BINGHAMTON, NY – Wow, the entertainment industry is so fresh right now! There’s the Avatar remake, the Halo adaptation, the new Star Wars...
Andrew Schiller
Feb 25, 20243 min read
81 views


Not Just a Theory: MatPat Found Dead in Miami
Miami-Dade County, Florida - Authorities confirmed the identity of a shooting victim in Miami yesterday as Matthew Robert Patrick, better...
Yuri Mumm
Jan 31, 20241 min read
293 views


Charlie D’Amelio Gatekept from Working at Walmart (NEVER BEFORE SEEN INFO!)
LOS ANGELES, CA— Celebrity influencer Charlie D’Amelio’s employment at her local Walmart and the subsequent TikToks she filmed there have...
David Belkin
Dec 14, 20232 min read
18 views


Henry Kissinger to Be Cremated, Ashes Added to Explosives in Tribute to His Life
It is to the Binghamton BUTT’s great sorrow that we announce the passing of a beloved American hero, someone whom every American can look...
Yuri Mumm
Dec 2, 20231 min read
23 views


MARIAH CAREY HAS AWOKEN. IMMEDIATE SHELTER IS ADVISED.
BINGHAMTON, NY – As Jon Snow once said, “Winter is coming.” This was quite evident on Binghamton University’s campus this past Wednesday...
Andrew Schiller
Nov 2, 20232 min read
39 views


Research Reveals Most Terrifying Concept Human Minds Can Barely Put into Comprehensible Expression
BOO
Genevieve Rolnick
Oct 31, 20231 min read
35 views


Police Called to Colorado Funeral Home for “Weed-like Smell,” Actually Just Dead Bodies
DENVER, CO— Last week, Colorado Police were called to a local funeral home in response to a concerned 911 caller citing a “skunk-like...
Yuri Mumm
Oct 15, 20232 min read
14 views


Taylor’s Latest Clues Leave Swifties Wondering
Taylor Swift has once again left her fans speculating after posting yesterday’s bombshell statement on X (formerly Twitter): “People...
David Belkin
Oct 10, 20232 min read
12 views


Kevin McCarthy Ejected from House After "Sus" Accusations
After an Emergency Meeting last Tuesday, Kevin McCarthy has been ejected from the House of Representatives, after being accused by...
Yuri Mumm
Oct 8, 20232 min read
19 views


Disney “Storyliving” Residents Endorse New Neighborhood
PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA— The Walt Disney Company has entered the housing market and has begun building neighborhoods in California while...
David Belkin
Sep 19, 20233 min read
19 views


Mexican Alien Selling Detox Teas on Instagram
As influencers have become more prevalent over the past decade, so has the market for advertising beauty and fitness products with social...
Madison Cardiel
Sep 17, 20231 min read
12 views


We're So Back (& What You Missed)
The website, that is! After so much further blood sacrifice that all we can taste is iron, the BUTimesTribune has been released from its...

BU Times Tribune
Sep 12, 20231 min read
10 views
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