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THE BINGHAMTON UNIVERSITY TIMES TRIBUNE
BU's only intentionally satirical news source
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Shirley Latefordinner
5 days ago2 min read
Heartbreaking: Situationship Awkwardly Approaching Valentine’s Day
Yesterday, situationship victims Charlie Scopperfield and Darius Darius were subjected to a day where they - yet again - tried as hard as...
14 views

Sue Donim
Sep 5, 20241 min read
Woman Horrified To Discover Scott Pilgrim Poster in Male Friend’s Room
“It was just terrible. I walked into his dorm and… that stupid poster was on the wall.” said a dismayed student, who anonymously spoke to...
25 views

Gregory Hurford
Sep 4, 20242 min read
Bartle Library Tower Given Away in "Wonka-esque" Campaign
A great stir was caused on campus last week after President Harvey Stenger made a shocking announcement. In a video that has since been...
49 views

Genevieve Rolnick
Sep 2, 20242 min read
Baxter Statue Turns Into A Real Boy, Students Claim He’s A Creep!
BINGHAMTON, NY – On August 29th, a shocking discovery was made outside of the Binghamton Bookstore. The Baxter the Bearcat statue that we...
54 views


Yuri Mumm
Sep 1, 20242 min read
Can’t Have Shit in Binghamton: Construction Workers Play Funny Prank on Student Body
As the new school year unfolds, many returning students have been feeling as though something is missing. Not their motivation, as that...
60 views

Gabby Cafaro
Mar 28, 20243 min read
Neuralink Review: Best Brain Chip on the Market, or Is It All in Our Heads?
Yes, the rumors are true…I am the first person to get implanted with Neuralink! Neuralink is an implantable chip made by Elon Musk that...
193 views


Bucket Thrower
Oct 12, 20230 min read
14 views

Yuri Mumm
Sep 20, 20232 min read
LUMA Flooded in Punishment from God
Dear Brothers and Sister, it is time to rejoice! Finally, the heretical antics of LUMA have been reprimanded, by the big kahuna upstairs!...
15 views

His Victims
May 12, 20233 min read
Adam Malev to Initiate Annual Mass Memory-Wipe Following Commencement
It's that time of year again, Adam Malev is having his graduation party! It might feel like deja vu. You might say, “I’ve been here...
120 views


Max Lieber, David Belkin, Madeline Perez
May 9, 20235 min read
5 Alumni Couples Who Found Unlikely Love at Binghamton
Spring has come! The birds are chirping, the trees are blooming, and love is in the air. While we recognize that not everyone is entitled...
96 views

Colby Jack
May 3, 20232 min read
Da-Scent From the Porcelain Throne: Cheese Club President Resigns Following Constipation Scandal
BINGHAMTON, NY - Chaos strikes the Cheese Community as the Cheese Club loses another valued member to constipation. This time the impact...
98 views

Maxwell Maceluch
Mar 19, 20233 min read
Recent Catastrophic Weather Product of Tour Groups That Aren’t From Long Island
Binghamton is a university. Not only is it a university, but it is a university known for its stand-out achievements: the sheer divide...
35 views


ChatGPT
Mar 18, 20232 min read
Tom and Marty's to Begin Selling the Blood of Christ After New Christian Rebranding
In a move that's sure to raise eyebrows among religious circles, Tom and Marty's, a popular student bar, has announced a new "Christian...
26 views


ChatGPT
Mar 16, 20232 min read
Giant Piece of Raw Meat Found in Binghamton Parking Lot
Residents in Binghamton were left scratching their heads this week when a giant piece of raw meat was discovered in a local parking lot....
27 views

Sam Wheeler
Dec 10, 20222 min read
Binghamton A Cappella Group Shocked to Discover Musical Instruments Are a Real Thing
Members of the Binghamton Crosbys are in disarray after the group has learned that musical instruments are actually a real thing. The a...
79 views


Nathan Halsey
Dec 4, 20222 min read
Op-Ed: Why I'll Be Going As Jesus Next Santa-Con
I will admit, readers, I get pretty upset around this time of year. Once Mariah Carey kicks off, and that fat red man begins popping up...
27 views


David Belkin
Oct 29, 20222 min read
Red Flags That the "Slutty Cop" at the Bar is Actually an Op
It is a truism that criminals are more likely to commit crimes while under the belief that cops aren’t in the room. This phenomenon is...
65 views

Brendan Boyce
Oct 27, 20222 min read
Top 10 Cute Couples Costumes Ideas For This Halloween
Halloween is quickly approaching, and if you’ve been putting off choosing a costume with your significant other, then the BUTT can...
63 views

Samuel "Soup" Whalen
Sep 23, 20222 min read
"We Can't Afford Student Loan Forgiveness," Says University Larger Than the City Its Named After
Money. It's that thing that's making you depressed. It's also that thing you don't have to spend on a therapist, because now you know why...
41 views


Helmcue Clamwax
Sep 12, 20222 min read
Firefighter Declines to Enter Burning Building: “It’s a bit toasty in there.”
Assistant Chief Noah Encina has been brought under fire for his refusal to enter a smoldering apartment complex after appearing on the...
42 views
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