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BU Highest on World Report List after Showcasing Support for US Military Industrial Complex


Binghamton, NY — WW2 veteran and war hero Baxter Bearcat comes out of retirement to support General Stenger’s efforts against Terrorism. “Freedom is not free” claims Baxter, who last fought for America at the 1944 Battle of Normandy. In an interview years after the war, his commandant would go on to describe Baxter as a soldier who was always “incredible at ducking under bullets.” With tensions between the United States and Terrorism rising, General Stenger announced a new project with the decorated veteran whose goal was to “instill fear in America’s enemies.”


Baxter would utilize his most efficient child labor to manually construct the infamous Cat-9 “Kitty Hawk” Terrorism Destroyer. While originally planning to build the missile on his own, Baxter’s claws would prove to be too sharp. General Stenger and Baxter Bearcat would keep information relating to Operation Kitty Hawk classified until the very end, not even the children were allowed to peek behind the curtain. “We thought it was a fun class project,” an anonymous laborer claimed. “By the time we were handed the explosives for the missile cone, we realized that we were not building another pointlessly expensive food truck.”


The students’ fate would be dependent on how many terrorists the weapon wiped out. In hopes of ensuring good grades for all the students, the professor spearheading production of the weapon urged General Stenger to use it in a high-density area.


Upon project completion, President Boe Jiden would give Baxter Bearcat the coveted Presidential Medal of Freedom, with General Stenger receiving the Congressional Gold Medal. The labor would return unscathed to an undisclosed location. “The enemies of God’s country will think twice before engaging” - Boe Jiden


Baxter Bearcat would do his final televised interview after the weapon’s successful use by the US Military. “Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds” - Baxter Bearcat.


While the project primarily set its sights on Iran, other countries in the Middle East such as Yemen and the United Arab Emirates (UAE) collectively released a statement: “Y’all wildin.”


At press time, Binghamton’s top unpaid scientists were developing schematics for a nuclear bomb, which Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (VJCS) Christopher W. Grady had particularly been excited over: “Once they’ve finished, we can store the bomb with the millions of other freedom enhancers we may or may not use.”


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