Dining Halls Devastated by Pepsi Products or: How I Learned to Start Worrying and Hate the Pepsi Co.
Have you ever entered the dining hall and thought “Wow, I can’t wait for a nice cold flimsy paper cup of Pepsi?" No. You haven’t. No one has. And yet Binghamton thought it would be a great idea to replace all of the drinks in every dining hall with Pepsi products. So long chocolate milk, so long limited edition Coke flavors. Hello Mountain Dew?… The school isn’t ENTIRELY made of gamers I’m not sure who they think is going to drink that.
“I can’t believe they would do that,” said Addie Dict when she found out about the switch, “how am I going to get my fix now? Oh.. you meant the bever-“
Multiple students have also reported a sudden decrease in school attendance as students are forced to use their scholarship money for tolerable drinks as opposed to their tuitions.
Other students have resorted to black market Coca-Cola rings and have only been heard of through Terra Bull who asked to remain anonymous.
When Binghamton’s president, Harvey Stenger suggested that students should “just drink water” he was forced to evacuate Binghamton for the foreseeable future as riots became too much for University Police to handle.
Who knows how much longer the school will last forced to drink Pepsi? Students in underground gambling rings have started placing bets on how long until the entire campus gives up drinking and simply dies of dehydration. Who’s to say? Not the Coca-Cola Polar Bear, he’s been exiled along with his sugary sweet diabetes causing beverages we all know and love.