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  • Yuri Mumm

Diabolical Professor Storms CIW with Personal Army



On the Friday of the First Week of classes, an invasion occurred within the CIW complex. Armed assailants congregated in front of the Cayuga dorms, threatening the students living there and elsewhere in the community. All in all, it was a wooly bad time. Peruvian Guerilla Lama Pacos, sometimes known by their less threatening moniker of “Alpacas,” are aggressive and highly lethal creatures, and these tendencies were used in a form of biological warfare against the students of our near and dear university.


This Alpaca-lypse, this Llama-geddon, was brought upon by the fanatical Doctor Bellwether, and held the students of CIW hostage for hours before the crisis was averted. Doctor Bellwether immediately and loudly proclaimed his demands for large sums of gold, calling it “The only valid form of wealth in this world of illusion and deception!” He then proceeded to explain the biology of his blood-thirsty beasts, as his perilous pack watched menacingly from the background.


There were several casualties at the site of the incident, with more expected in coming days. As Doctor Bellwether discussed in his rants on his unsavory ungulates, alpacas hunt in a manner similar to the Komodo Dragon, as their frequently ejected spittle contains mild paralytic venom, and large quantities of infectious bacteria. As their prey succumbs to illness, the tracking alpaca finally catches up in a triumphant yet leisurely stroll, and chows down on its hapless victim. Unfortunately for the students the Guerilla Lama Pacos made an example of, the bacteria are antibiotic resistant, so it is not a question of if, but rather when, they shall perish.


Unfortunately for the genius yet unstable Doctor, infighting within his perilous pack foiled his plans for world domination (or monetary gain, or whatever the hell he did this for). One of these shaggy soldiers kicked the bucket (water bucket, that is), preventing life-sustaining moisture from reaching the troops’ parched alpaca lips. Without his troops’ liquid rations, Doctor Bellwether was forced to retreat, several reluctant long sheep being dragged along in headlocks, all while the Doctor was still asserting his views on the genetic superiority of his criminal camelids.


For now, the students of Binghamton University are safe (sans the infected ones), but reports about Bellwether’s compound have been coming in due to the brave work of BUTT reporters. Their espionage has revealed that Doctor Bellwether’s forces have only been growing in numbers, welcoming adorable yet deadly baby alpacas into the horrific herd. Rest assured, dear reader, that The BUTT will continue to report on this story as it develops… and may God help us all.

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