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Fucked Up: Impish Organism on the Loose on Campus (EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE)

Updated: Nov 26, 2023

MOUNTAINVIEW COLLEGE, BINGHAMTON UNIVERSITY -- As the clock struck twelve mere hours ago much to the devil's delight, BUTT journalists hungry for the next major scoop of scrumptious Nite Owl ice cream didn't think that they themselves would end up hunted as scoopees. That's right -- what you're witnessing before you is a ravenous unidentified creature moments before its vicious, violent assault, a creature whose very presence blights our beautiful university- no, the entirety of the greater Binghamton area that may or may not include Vestal. Harpur's Ferry was uncertain what to make of the bloody mess seeping between the walkway tiles once they arrived on the scene after a tumultuous journey through College in the Woods; the body was (or bodies were?) eviscerated beyond recognition outside of some semblance of digits wrapped around a phone that displayed this very footage of the organism. But what exactly is this... thing?

"A little chow or something?" a belligerent drunk that stumbled into BUTTASS, our task force, considered when presented with the footage, only for his strikingly handsome compatriot to reply "No, Allen" (BUTTASS, of course, being the Binghamton University Times-Tribune's ASAP Search Squad). Not a single soul BUTTASS came across within the span of then and now could quite make out what exactly the beast was or what it was doing prior to the attack, Allen included. The premier public Ivy's top minds who conduct our weekly pitch meetings on Wednesdays from 8:00 PM to 9:00 PM in Classroom Wing Room 123 but sometimes neighboring rooms theorize that it could be an escaped Sodexo specimen from the Appalachian Dining Hall within the nearby Appalachian Collegiate Center or perhaps some sort of coyote. Debates are currently unfolding over the possibility of it being one of those balls of cow fetus flesh that's making the rounds on Twitter and the like; it did just blow up online, after all, so chances are high. Whatever the case may be, may we hopefully learn in time, there is one thing for certain: this is seriously fucked up.

Please attend our journalist's closed casket funeral in the large pile of gravel near Clearview Hall this evening. No one else will be showing up otherwise; I'd really like to myself, but I've got, like, a thing... The former president and treasurer are going to be around and it's going to be totally nuts... Nevertheless, in his honor, we will be filing a work order for pest control with full knowledge that countless will make a brave and noble sacrifice for our peace and freedom. May God have mercy on us all... No, there could be no God in a world such as this.

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