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  • David Belkin

Professor Contracts Mysterious “Covid-Like” Disease

It is no secret that for approximately the last year and a half, the Coronavirus has been effectively eradicated. And in the time since the eradication of the virus, the atmosphere at Binghamton University has accordingly begun to loosen-up to resemble what life was like before the virus had existed. In a recent public statement, Baxter Bearcat had expressed doubts that Binghamton ever had any COVID outbreaks at all, saying that he “doubts anything like that could ever happen to a school ranked by Forbes magazine.” Meanwhile, fellow Bearcat and fraternity brother Dan Druff— whose fraternity is currently in the process of arranging to have multiple opens and charge a five-dollar entry at each of them in order to recoup rent costs— believes that it is “impossible to get COVID anymore,” and that it is “fine if your lips touch the cooler when you drink the jungle juice at [their] opens.” It is ultimately all the more an incredible coincidence, then, that university history professor Sarah Choo had contracted an illness whose symptoms are “eerily similar” to the Coronavirus which had most recently become extinct.

Sources can confirm that Professor Choo had evidently become increasingly fatigued, stuffed up, and prone to bouts of prolonged vomiting and diarrhea. However, in order to comply with her zero-tolerance absence policy, her students nonetheless continue to dutifully come to class in-person. One particularly focused student had this to say about the non-effect his professors’ illness has had on his attendance: “If whatever disease my professor had were serious, we would have been in lockdown because of it by now.” Professor Choo has expressed disinterest in transitioning her class online, as she believes it is “harder in-person for [her] students to turn off their cameras.”

Dr. Adam Zapel, chief medical officer of Decker Health Services, has been closely examining Choo’s condition alongside several of his top doctors for the past three days. “One especially odd side-effect of her disease is how often it causes false-positives in COVID tests,” spoke Dr. Zapel before adding that he wonders, “if any other people living in Vestal are continually getting false-positives in their COVID test, and whether they have the same infection that Choo has.”

At press time, Professor Choo has been seen in the lecture hall, sneezing on the control panel for the projector and licking all of the tables.

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