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  • Calvin Matthes

Mraaaaaawr! Baxter on the Prowl for Cougars During Family Weekend


Janitorial Closet, University Union- Baxter stared down at an empty sleeping bag. It’d been 14 days since Baxter last had company. The announcement of parent’s weekend couldn’t have come at a better time for Baxter. Only weeks away from sigmaposting/tatemaxing, the influx of older white women that came to your campus October 7-8 inspired Baxter to put himself back on the market.

Baxter implemented massive reforms to his rather bland Bumble, Tinder and Hinge profiles. A complete overhaul of hobbies included changes such as:

  • Traveling → Horseback Riding

  • Sports → Long walks on the beach

  • Bodybuilding → Lumberjacking

His job changed from:

  • Sports and media personality/performer → Male Dancer

Reflecting the more sexy nature of his new dating persona, Baxter changed profile picture:

Most shocking of all, Baxter removed his previous weight constraints from all his profiles (110-135).


Broome County Community College dating analysts have cast doubts on the changes. “You can’t just read erotica and watch Magic Mike to assume what women want,” the nerds said. “Furthermore, it’s a violation of trust with students to be sleeping with their parents when you're supposed to be entertaining them.”

Readers may be interested in our position on Baxter’s new look. Our stance is that while the woman Baxter sleeps with might not bleed, we at the BUTT bleed Bearcat! As such we hope that he can finagle his way into a lucky women’s hotel room this weekend.
















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