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  • Yuri Mumm

Beheading Video Circulates Around Campus Following Oneida Laundry Incident

In a spectacle not seen since the early 2000s, a video of a person getting fucking decapitated has been spread through social media recently. What precisely was the cause of this bloodbath? It’s simple: laundry.

In line with what seems to be a common theme these days, CIW is at the heart of the issue. Following the Alpaca Incident two weeks ago, it was discovered that alpaca spit could be washed off in the campus laundromats. This caused a tsunami of students to rush for their respective dorm laundry centers, where orderly and polite cleansing of clothing occurred… with the specific exception of Oneida.

Angry and inexperienced with taking care of themselves, the freshmen struggled amongst themselves for the right to wash their grubby, odorous linens. Angry messages and hate mail soon filled the Oneida GroupMe, with messages from users such as Vincent Ofedunge, who wrote “Youre clothes are done u stupid assholes i hate u and myself and fuck u [sic].”

Vitriol and degeneracy has continued to reign in regards to the laundry situation, with innocents reporting stolen tide pods, burgled straight from the machine mid-wash, all to fill the thieves desperate addiction to consuming the product.

This finally culminated when one freshman, visibly soiled and red-faced, found that every single machine in Oneida was done, and full of clothing. In a violent rage, the prospective mechanical engineering major took out their latest homework assignment: a DIY Guillotine.

In a display akin to the French people’s finest moment, another freshman, eyes glued to their phone, was subsequently killed by the blade. Their friend, Barbara Rickseen, described the scene as follows.

“It was horrible, like one of those soap cutting videos on TikTok gone wrong. One moment, he was standing, the next, the room was awash with blood.”

Thankfully, the perpetrator is behind bars, but the anger and fury still fills Oneida’s halls, and this reporter fears that this cycle of violence will continue. Whatever happens, rest assured that this correspondent will continue to apply journalistic integrity and dry(er) wit to this developing story.

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