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  • Madison Cardiel

Three Dead and Four Missing at Milkshake Line


On August 29th, what was advertised as an exciting event for Binghamton students took a sharp turn as chaos ensued in the Marketplace. Shake Smart’s “Free Shake Day” was originally planned as an opportunity to draw in a large but manageable crowd to advertise the Union’s newest overpriced dining option.


Upon opening, however, violence broke out in the line.


“It was terrible,” said one freshman schmuck, who waited half an hour to get a shake. “I watched my friends get sucked into the crowd and I haven’t seen some of them since. And the worst part was that the shake wasn’t even that good. It had that weird protein powder texture.”


As the brawl between students escalated, so did the volume of injuries acquired. First responders were greeted with a myriad of injuries, including bruises, bleeding, and broken bones. At least ten students were hospitalized, with three dying shortly after. An inside source reported that one of the aforementioned dead students had met his fate after being gored with a plastic straw.


Four students who were reported to be attending the event have gone unaccounted for in the aftermath. If you or someone you know has any information about the missing students, please contact Harvey Stenger directly at president@binghamton.edu. A free milkshake has been offered to anybody with knowledge leading to the whereabouts of the missing students.

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