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  • Calvin Matthes

Is True Love Possible for an Anti-Abortion Jesuit Girl and Bi-Curious Frat Boy? We Calculated It!

Updated: Sep 24, 2023

Glenn G. Bartle Library Tower- It was a routine pro life canvassing event when two individuals so different yet so repressed locked eyes: a Frat Guy sporting french cuffs with jeans cuffed 4 inches above the ankle and a bleach blonde, flannel cardiganed Jesuit giddy to push her cause. The Frat Guy stood watching as the Jesuit bore a mock fetus from her purse resembling a tootsie roll in size and color.

Passersby looked on as the 3 time Seneca Spikeball champion continued to stand there as the former hall monitor passed him a flier outlining the development of the human fetus. The goodie-two-shoes of Rochester’s preppiest bible camp explained that the fetus gains a heartbeat at week 4 of gestation, onlookers were shocked that the guy who walks out halfway through lectures was still listening. Fellow bro Dillon remarked “It's hard to believe they're still together, like they don’t have anything in common. My boy is rolling in front of the Union Bookstore and she tried a 10mg edible and nearly died.”

Eyes rolled as the Econ major rolled his hand over his mouth to feign shock. The future healthcare telemarketer thanked the future situationship survivor by failing to mention his over accessorized wrists and painted nails. The Nassau County Native walked away and turned his neck to see the future PTA president flash a coy smile.

When asked about the compatibility of the two, friends of the subjects gave differing answers. “They have nothing alike.” Addison remarked “He probably listens to secular music like Kanye and Playboy whatever.” Dillon thinks otherwise, however, “She doesn’t take antidepressants because they’re against God's will or something. Meanwhile my man is texting articles to this chick to get her off of Zoloft so he got a better shot of sleeping with her at my birthday party.”

The BUTT’s predictive models estimate a 57% chance of the two dating. This may seem high, however the future couple do sit together in studio art. Sources close to us informed us that the frat bro doesn’t want to be called gay by his war hero grandad (stationed in West Germany) this Thanksgiving. Our model predicts that if the two lovers do fraternize it will be before Thanksgiving.

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