Celebrating both the momentous palindromic holiday that is 4/20/24 and Donald Trump’s hush money trial, dispensaries across the United States released a new strain of cannabis that combines various spices into a blend that perfectly captures the scent and sensation of the courtroom. Whether he is attempting chemical warfare as an act of protest or simply cannot contain himself remains unclear, but one thing's for certain: it is no coincidence that the Floor Action Response Team launched around this time. Officially titled “Donnie Danko” for its rankness, the product has already sold out in most locations selling it. Locations that do not sell it have not run out by virtue of not supplying it. For those that do, however, the political range of customers within the past 24 hours has been shockingly diverse.
“I hear that the secret ingredient is the actual air captured on site,” the self-identified republican Richard Rider told the BUTT as he exited Just Breathe, “which is why this is my second cart today. As I huff, I can feel myself emboldened by His power.” Rider initially evaded us once we revealed we were associated with a university since it’s “nothing but liberal indoctrination,” but once we returned with shades, a hat, and a trench coat, he opened up about his stance in life. “Normally, I can’t stand the sort of degenerates who do this kind of thing, but the state I reach when I hit a blinker is like no other. It’s truly some sort of… United States. Not the current one, though, since, again, it’s nothing but degeneracy.” In his spare time, Rider defends the questionable aspects of anime online.
Others oppose Danko on the opposing other end of the spectrum. “In attempting to bank off Trump’s virality, head shops are doing nothing more than feeding into the machine,” Tristan Tankie told the BUTT along the Spine, “I call it ‘Brapitalism’ because that’s exactly what it is.” A mutual of Tankie’s was quick to state that “There is no ethical consumption under Brapitalism” and that “this is intended to mock Trump,” wherein another chimed in to state that “Satire requires a clarity of purpose and target lest it be mistaken for and contribute to that which it intends to criticize.” Already under the influence of this wicked concoction, our reporters fled the scene as this revelation set off a state of unwanted self-reflection.
“I have no idea how this happened so quickly,” a Sacred Bloom employee revealed. “Between you and me, this stuff is probably —URK!” were his last words before another figure in a trench coat took him out with a blow dart to the neck. The toxicology report revealed that it contained 100% THC, making him the first person in recorded history to die from a marijuana overdose. Please pass the blunt this evening in his honor.