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Shirley Latefordinner

BUTT Becomes First-Ever News Organization to Switch From Newspaper to Newsplastic



Binghamton University’s BU BUTT Board voted this past Wednesday to transition their print medium from the industry-standard paper to pure, “unadulterated,” BPA.


“We are truly happy to announce our bold departure from the news media’s antiquated traditions,” said BUTT President Murray Auchincloss in his Thursday press release, “it is my honor as president to boldly explore new methods of polluting the environment.”


The vote passed after a lengthy three minute deliberation period at 103% in favor of the change. BUTT leadership also boasted their 200% approval rate, calling on other news outlets to join their venture.


“I hope this decision sets a precedent within the field […] it is the media’s manifest destiny to grow the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. Someday we may even be able to use the patch for our new headquarters,” continued Auchincloss, steepling his fingers as he spoke.


The move comes as part of a larger shift to join the battle on climate change — this time on the side of climate change. The move comes only months after the BUTT announced their African Elephant bounty program.


At the ribbon-cutting ceremony, Auchincloss was quoted saying, “I hope all sea life on this planet knows I am their judge, jury, and executioner.” During his weekly CNN interview, he doubled down on his commitment to the cause: “frankly, 2.45 degrees is pitiful, not even close to enough. What are we, amateurs?”


Some activists think that the transition isn’t enough, wanting radium-226 to be added into the ink. BUTT Editorial Writer Quincy Bodacious sat down to discuss the possible shortcomings of the bill.


“Environmental devastation isn’t as simple as embedding PLA directly into the skin,” said Bodacious in reference to the Joe Biden Microplastic Enhancement Program. “I think that the most damage to natural life will come from a holistic approach, and I don’t think that Auchincloss’ program recognizes that.”


Bodacious continues to push for new and innovative approaches to the environment, and plans on pushing a pure-blockchain solution as a more effective way of fighting mother earth mono e mono.


Still others claim that it shouldn’t be the BUTT’s responsibility to claim the fruits of the ecological world, as the new changes have received criticism from the school’s left wing. Radical activist/Environmental Studies teacher Bob Treehugger went on record to lament the environmental consequences.


“Something something, maybe this is a bad idea,” said Treehugger as I accidentally spilled milk on my laptop, destroying the notes that I was taking, “I think the environment is cool and stuff.”

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