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  • David Belkin

Taylor’s Latest Clues Leave Swifties Wondering

Taylor Swift has once again left her fans speculating after posting yesterday’s bombshell statement on X (formerly Twitter): “People often reduce the integrity of my albums by tying everything I sing back to my dating history. My music is about so much more than that.” Loyal Swifties have taken to X and have begun theorizing which of her many exes Swift could have been directing this statement toward.

The artist is known for leaving easter eggs and clues in her music meant to give Swifties a scavenger hunt to go on: we’re all still reeling from the time that Taylor released “midnights” at precisely 12:00 AM, coinciding with how all major digital music distributors unilaterally release their albums at 12:00 AM. One X user with the handle taylorlvr120 is already at the drawing board, theorizing that the ex-boyfriend Swift is referring to in her cryptic statement “[…] lowkey might be John Mayer.” This user then went on to substantiate these claims in the comments with considerable evidence: “mom used the word ‘sing’ and John Mayer sings, so. mom would be proud. fourteen years later, and we’re still talking about John Mayer. even if mom’s long been over what happened, i’m not and i never will be. speak never.”

Football player and shrewd opportunist Travis Kelce defended Swift’s rights to the privacy of her romantic life on his podcast: “Leave my GIRLFRIEND alone. It doesn’t matter how many people my GIRLFRIEND has dated in the past. I mean Taylor Swift— I’m using the word ‘girlfriend,’ to refer to Taylor Swift. Do you see what I am doing? Do you get it? I’m just going to leave everyone to consider what I’m saying. That is, what I’m saying about my possibly dating the single most downloaded Spotify artist of all time. Me… dating HER. This is me being as coy as I can. And remember to keep buying those jerseys, everyone!” As Taylor’s fans flock to buy Kelce’s football jersey in record numbers, fraternity brothers across Binghamton’s campus are cautiously beginning to throw footballs around while pretending not to care whether girls walking by notice them on the quad once more.

At press time, the touring musician has been too busy selling out stadiums and spending time with other celebrities to acknowledge X user taylorlvr120 on their efforts.

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