Finally, CEOs Don’t Have to Hide Their Child Slavery Practices!

Friends, comrades, gentleman, for years we of the world’s most oppressed, most downtrodden socio-economic class, the ultra-wealthy, have been forced into the shadows by the evil Communist Liberal Anti-Business Leftist Atheist Baby-Killing Satanist Feminist Zoroastrian Queer Mormon Climate Scientologist Anti-Racist Pastafarian Politically-Correct Soviet Green Woke Socialist Equalist DEI Social-Justice Marxist Agenda. Wrongfully we have been persecuted for attempting to live our lives as we see fit, demonized we have been by the media for such simple practices as poisoning schoolchildren, robbing the government of taxpayer money, and ruthlessly commodifying life into a subscription-based cyberpunk hellscape. For years we have suffered under the yoke of “human rights” and “common decency” — but today I come to celebrate the casting off of that yoke!

Under our glorious new presidential administration, DEI and Woke have been left in the dust of history, workers’ rights are being eroded, public education will rapidly become a thing of the past, child labor laws are being lifted, and a new wonderous age is fast approaching where the long-neglected and long-suffering billionaire CEO can finally stare society in the eye and say: “I practice child slavery, and I don’t care who knows it!”

Though the radical woke liberal socialist left will deny it, child slavery is a storied and honorable practice, one vindicated many times over by history through its massive contributions to rich people’s ability to get even more rich. Few business practices allow you to save as much money in time and labor as child slavery does, thus allowing you to take home a bigger corporate benefits package! To wit: child slaves are smaller and more dexterous than their adult counterparts, allowing them to better perform tasks requiring finesse; their small size means they don’t need as much food or space as adult workers; they are physically weaker than adults and thus can’t escape their “employment” as easily; and as it requires fewer years to produce a child than an adult, they are more cheaply replaced in the case of an unfortunate workplace accident.

In fact, in the coming years child slavery may even enter into a new golden age, as children, obsessed with their “video games” and their “Tick-Tock,” become more adept at electronics and computers. Very soon, we may see entire factories filled to the brim with captive children assembling iPhones and laptop computers, without it costing you a dime!

Despite the obvious economic benefits of enslaving children and denying them their formative years, many Cultural Marxists have taken issue with us simply following in the American tradition of earning a good, honest dollar. To all you downtrodden, persecuted billionaires out there, I say this: Take heart! For our time is coming close at hand, and soon the rich and powerful shall inherit the earth!