DENVER, CO— Last week, Colorado Police were called to a local funeral home in response to a concerned 911 caller citing a “skunk-like smell” coming from the home. The caller further went on to describe the odor as “a smell that pesky, slacker teenagers might refer to as being ‘grungy,’ ‘dank,’ or ‘loud.’” Local law enforcement were forced to put down the playing cards, chardonnay and cigars they purchased with taxpayer money and were ultimately forced to respond to this call. Evidently, the Denver Police force regularly responds to calls from local Boomers and out-of-touch eccentric billionaires who have forgotten that marijuana has been legalized: this specific call was from the former.
Upon arriving at the funeral home however, the police officers were quick to realize that the odor was not that of marijuana, but of around one-hundred rotting, unrefrigerated corpses. Of the disturbing scene, one responding officer had this to say: “Well, if it wasn’t going to be marijuana, it’s going to be dead people. Or both. But, usually one or the other, as in this case.” Another responding officer echoed the first’s sentiments: “I mean, we were called to a funeral home because there were dead bodies? Funeral homes are supposed to have dead bodies!”
The incident led many concerned citizens and lawmakers to scrutinize Colorado’s regulation of funeral homes. State Senator Cornelius Cornson, who has yet to free criminals charged with possession of marijuana from his state prisons, released a video statement following the funeral home incident: “Weed has been illegal for far too long. I smoked weed all the time in college, and still do today. Someone should really make a law, or something, about all of this. Man, I could kill some Taco Bell right now, seriously.”
Senator Cornson, amongst others, were responsible for signing Colorado Amendment 420 into action, protecting the rights of Colorado residents over the age of 21 to store up to six bodies in their homes, so long as they are refrigerated. When faced with subsequent public backlash, the funeral home director who placed the original 911 call had this to say: “It could have been worse. Just Google what’s been happening at all the funeral homes in the state of New York.”
At press time, it is reported that law enforcement were sent to respond to another “corpse-like” smell only to find a newly-opened dispensary.”