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  • Andrew Schiller


BINGHAMTON, NY – As Jon Snow once said, “Winter is coming.” This was quite evident on Binghamton University’s campus this past Wednesday as many students were caught in a series of flash blizzards. Despite the whimsical weather, the winter brings on a lot of problems as well. College students can note final exams and seasonal depression, but something that plagues absolutely everybody is the infamous cold and flu season. This has been especially prevalent post-pandemic with many people being underexposed to bacteria and such, and this year, there seems to be a particularly strange virus going around. It appears to be a virus that takes control of the host’s vocal cords to create involuntary sounds.

Incidentally, Halloween has passed, which means that it is Christmastime. The end of the cacophony of pipe organs, theremins, and shouting children has prompted a certain pop singer to emerge from the shadows. I don’t want A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS to guess, but I think you know who it is. That’s right – Mariah Carey is back for a limited time only, and I don’t care ABOUT THE PRESENTS how many people hate her – I’m going to talk about her anyway. After all, I just want YOU FOR MY OWN to cover relevant news, and this seems relevant to me. Let’s see… I just need to gather some information so that I can make my WISH COME TRUE article. It sure is hard, though. All I want FOR CHRISTMAS IS to do is write something decent. It may look easy to YOoOoOUUUU, but… wait a minute…

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO QUARANTINE IMMEDIATELY. Mariah Carey has taken advantage of the end of the COVID-19 pandemic to unleash a virus of her own design upon the world. Children and the elderly are advised to take extra precautions as their feebler minds are more susceptible to the newly named Earwormvirus. We interviewed specialist Chris Mus over Cisco Webex to gauge the severity of the situation, and he had this to say: “All we have gathered is that the virus manipulates the vocal cords to produce song lyrics. It is incredibly difficult to do anything except surmise the long-term effects, especially under such intense social distancing. It also has to do with the fact that the virus is so neEEEEW BABY. Oh God, you’re too close. Log off. Log off!”

So far, it has been estimated that anywhere between 30,000 and 40,000 Americans have been killed by the Earwormvirus. It seems that if these numbers continue to increase, we will have to succumb to our overlord Mariah Carey. I hate to quote her at a time like this, but “there is just one thing I need” – the mercy of God. I urge all my readers to stay safe during this uncertain time. Good luck, everybody.

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