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  • Yuri Mumm

Henry Kissinger to Be Cremated, Ashes Added to Explosives in Tribute to His Life

It is to the Binghamton BUTT’s great sorrow that we announce the passing of a beloved American hero, someone whom every American can look up to and say, yes, this is how America was meant to be- Sandra Day O’Connor, the first woman on the Supreme Court. In other news, Henry Kissinger is dead.

Kissinger was known for his contributions to the field of political science, his close friendship with basically every president since Nixon, and his advocacy for dictator rights. He was also known to enjoy soccer, writing incredibly long papers to get people’s attention, and ignoring the suffering of the innocent.

He is survived by his wife, two children, five grandchildren, and untold masses of traumatized Cambodians. Kissinger’s remains have been scheduled for cremation in partnership with Heavenly Stars Fireworks, who will turn his remains into a firework. Said explosive will then be fired at the nearest neutral party to a conflict chosen at random from across the world. As put by his estate, “It’s what he would have wanted.”

Flowers and other memorials can be addressed to 4405 Neese Ln, Moss Point, MS. His family has specifically requested for people not to send prayers, as they could jeopardize his newfound position as Hell’s Secretary of State.

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