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  • Genevieve Rolnick

Alpha Males Weakened, Sigma Males to Take Over

Updated: Apr 9

BINGHAMTON NY– A new disease is sweeping through Binghamton. This one only affects real men. As students took off their eclipse glasses to gaze at the once more painful to look at sun, screams began to echo through Binghamton University’s Peace Quad as self-proclaimed “Alpha Males” began to realize that they in fact could not see. While some of these so-called “Alphas” quickly caught on and began to pretend that they could, in fact, see by complimenting passing squirrels on their “nice asses,” others began to seek medical attention, worried about what side effects could come from this strange disease and whether or not it would take away their manhood.

When interviewed, student Chad Swaggington was very passionate about staring into the sun, stating: “As an alpha, we are obligated to stare at anything that won’t call the police on us.” Now facing permanent eye damage and potentially needing surgery, Swaggington was last seen by reporters screaming that he would lose his status as an “Alpha” making him either a “Sigma” or a “Beta” male. 

For other non-alpha students of Binghamton, they reported no damage to their eyesight and an overall enjoyment of the solar eclipse. This “solar retinopathy” seems to be a disease only affecting alphas with a range of side effects such as confusion, lack of rizz, inability to get those gains, and an overall lack of eyesight. Binghamton’s President, Harvey Stenger has issued a notice encouraging students with problems with their vision due to this eclipse to stay indoors should this be contagious and are questioned as to how they are reading this article.

While our resident alphas are out of commission, rumors are already spreading about who is going to replace these integral parts of our college experience. Sigma and Beta males have been fighting one another for the chance to fill that void, location TBD.

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