Okay, we’ll admit it- writing satire is really hard. Coming up with all of these off-the-wall, absolutely bananas ideas takes time and work. Thus, now we arrive at the advent of the BUTT’s first real, journalistic endeavor: an exposé on Ron DeSantis’ hidden high heels.
Ron DeSantis, the Republicans’ second-favorite nasty little freak of a man, is well known for his attempts to limit American liberties by banning drag performances and expression in Florida. According to DeSantis, “I’m just really scared of Trixie Mattel. I can’t tell where her real eyes are. You never know where she’s looking.” Now that DeSantis is running for president, his policies and ideologies have been under extreme scrutiny by the general public.
But perceptive constituents have noticed something off about the candidate. Look at his shoes for more than five seconds and you’ll definitely be able to see it. His boots are super weird. It almost looks like, as some have posited, DeSantis has gotten himself a pair of kitten heel cowboy boots. And no, none of this is a joke. This is all real and very likely. Ron DeSantis wears heels because he’s insecure about being a short, asinine man.
When questioned on the nature of his footwear, DeSantis commented, “Listen, regardless of whether or not I’m wearing heels, it doesn’t matter. American people have the right to go about as they please without anybody restricting them.” He then hastily added, “Unless they’re queer.”