Like many other Binghamton students, this year marks the first time in which I’ll be eligible to vote in the presidential election. Because of this, I’ve done my very best to learn as much as possible about the candidates and their positions. In conducting such research, I’ve turned to a myriad of sources with the hope that I can create a well-rounded perspective on our country’s most pressing issues. One source that I found particularly interesting was the Binghamton Review, which boasts the tagline of “the last refuge of the scholars.” One article posted by the Review revolved around a mock election in which Trump won. Something that seemed a bit strange to me was that the aforementioned mock election was held by the College Republicans. Maybe I’m just a silly blue-hair-and-pronouns liberal, but I wondered if the election hosted by the College Republicans- with the bulk of the voters being part of that organization- might be the slightest, teensiest, eensiest bit skewed. Of course, it’s a lot easier to talk about an unbiased mock election than it is to actually host one. Thus, I set out to put on a mock election with the least biased group on campus: the writers of the BUTT. Surprisingly, the vote was completely unanimous. Every member wrote in for a third candidate- Jeb Bush.
The election was held on a tight budget and even tighter timescale. At the most recent BUTT pitch meeting, I stood up and announced that the election would take place shortly, much to the bewilderment of the other writers. The ballots were passed out and a five-minute timer was set up for everybody. Surely the pressure of the situation didn’t influence anybody’s choices or judgment! One BUTThead commented on the experience, stating that, “It was pretty sudden. And it seemed like it was really sloppily done. The ballots were written in crayon.” Although deeply hurtful (we had a slap-fight in the parking lot afterwards,) this assessment was mostly true. Each ballot was hastily created with notebook paper and a red crayon I found on the floor of Texas Roadhouse earlier that evening.
Upon reviewing the votes, I immediately noticed a fantastic pattern. Each voter had written in Jeb Bush. While George W. Bush’s lame brother seems like an odd choice, I believe that he truly does represent the aspirations and needs of the campus community. Why choose an actual felon to become president when we could have Jeb? Jeb’s got everything, after all. An extremely weak stance on climate change, previously saying that he has basically no opinion on it; a lifelong sense of shame because, apparently, he smoked weed 40 years ago (is Jeb part of the dream smoke circle? I certainly think so!); and, of course, a classic video of him sheepishly asking for a crowd to clap for him.
If you know what’s right for America, tomorrow you’ll vote for JEB!
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