BINGHAMTON, NY – Fellas, there’s just no way around it. We all like to have a little “fun” sometimes, but no matter what, it requires making do with whatever you have at your disposal. Unless, of course, you’re NY-3’s former representative George Santos. Santos has previously graced the public eye on account of lying about his entire resumé, but despite all his little fibs and white lies, he never felt the big boot of reality collide with his falsely Brazilian bottom. So why is today so different? You’d better buckle up, because let’s just say that the scourge of Long Island certainly buckled down if you catch my drift.
$240,000. To you, that might be a small (or large) fortune, but for old Georgie, it was nothing but chump change. He couldn’t care less if it was from his campaign fund – he still used it to have a good time. At press time, the expense that has become most infamous is something that I like to call “Santos’ OnlyFans Escapade.” That’s right, even such a venerated politician couldn’t resist the sweet temptations of feet, goth models, and whatever else they have on there. I guess they call him “Santoes” for a reason.
One of George’s wild nights didn’t even stop online. Not many news outlets know this, but the BUTT managed to secure a synopsis of Santos’ night with OnlyFans creator EatMyPussy226. George took his newfound darling to Las Vegas, a more commonly known expense, to have an Italian-themed getaway. No, it wasn’t his honeymoon. Mrs. Santos has gone on record saying, “Yeah, I don’t know where the fuck he was.” Santos and Pussy stayed at the famous Venetian resort, where he bought expensive Italian and other foreign clothing and took Pussy on a gondola ride. Their gondolier, Anita Rimagiobbo, especially remembered one of George’s remarks to Pussy: “Heh, the grand canal might be great, but wait until you see my leaning tower!” And, according to our sources, it was leaning indeed. George, you dirty dog! I guess Pussy was one of the last model he subscribed to.
George’s stolen spending spree didn’t stop at vacations, clothes, and hotties. He also used the money to work on himself. Yes, you heard me correctly. I mean, what else would you use Botox for? He and Pussy shopped at Sephora and had some spa days. Santos seemed proud of it too, going so far as to allot a total of $2,900 to “Botox” on his spreadsheets. He also made a remark about it during his… intimate moment with Pussy, saying that “The Botox that I bought is nice, but I’d like to see your Botox right now, or kitten won’t be getting a tip.” Maybe Curious George could spend a little bit of the money on varying the structure of his innuendos.
At the end of the day (or night, in his case), while Santos’ job may be San-toast, I wouldn’t feel too bad for him. Somehow, I feel like things are going to work out just fine for the Long Islander with an eye for the finer things in life. Although his wife did leave him, so…
Those reading may be confused, since George is a gay icon every Republican strives to be; Pussy's exact identity is uncertain as our sources state that they were always conveniently just out of their line of sight in increasingly elaborate ways. Whatever the case may be, the truth is, Santos is just not straight with the people or in general.