With the Senate confirmation hearings for Donald Trump’s cabinet picks on the minds of many Americans, it is not only my patriotic duty but my civic privilege to aid in the public’s assessment and understanding of these candidates, by compiling a “Fuck, Marry or Kill” list for his picks. While I do admit a degree of personal bias in this list, largely due to my “sexy secretary” fantasy, I believe that this will be balanced out by the fact that old people are gross, thus preserving the journalistic integrity of what I can only imagine will down in history as a pillar of modern political journalism.
Marco Rubio (Secretary of State)
Without a doubt the most uncontroversial of Trump’s picks; I have literally no opinions on this man. Marry, and then maybe he can take me on a trip to Europe.
Scott Bessent (Secretary of the Treasury)
Treasury = money, therefore Marry, then Kill and inherit a shitload of money.
Pete Hesgeth (Secretary of Defense)
I can fix him. Marry
Pam Bondi (Attorney General)
Pam Bondi may not have committed statutory rape, but she did commit what might be an even larger crime: being uninteresting. Kill
Doug Burgum (Secretary of the Interior)
What the shit is the secretary of the interior? Kill
Brooke Rollins (Secretary of Agriculture)
I don’t know much about her, but given she’s a Trump nominee she’s probably batshit fucking insane… which is just how I like my women. Marry
Howard Lutnick (Secretary of Commerce)
How the fuck is this different from the secretary of the treasury? Name one person who can actually tell me what this man fucking does. Kill
Lori Chavez-DeRemer (Secretary of Labor)
Shockingly (and disappointingly), Lori Chavez-DeRemer seems to be the least psychotic pick on this list. By all accounts she’s a normal, not-insane person, and god knows we can’t have that in this administration. Kill
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (Secretary of Health and Human Services)
Yes, he’s an anti-vaxxer. Yes, he killed a baby bear and dumped the carcass in Central Park. Yes, he has a worm in his brain. But he also has a certain silverfox, DILF-y element to him that while subtle, can’t be ignored once you notice it. Fuck
Scott Turner (Secretary of Housing and Urban Development)
Apparently he was an NFL player before getting into politics, and no matter what his politics are, I do have a thing for athletes. Fuck
Sean Duffy (Secretary of Transportation)
At some point, you need to stop sticking the word “secretary” in front of any random bullshit and just admit that the cabinet doesn’t need twenty fucking billion people on it. What the fuck does this fucking do? I don’t need someone to tell me how to fucking walk to class. Kill
Chris Wright (Secretary of Energy)
All I’m saying is, he’d better have lots of energy for what I’m about to do to him, if you know what I’m saying. Fuck
Linda McMahon (Secretary of Education)
You probably know her as the co-founder of WWE. “Are you ready to learn, b r o t h e r ? Open that textbook, we’re gonna educate ourselves, b r o t h e r !” In all seriousness, though, Kill.
Doug Collins (Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs)
I hate to break it to you, Doug, but this is America. No one gives a shit about veterans. Kill
Kristi Noem (Secretary of Homeland Security)
Dear god why are there so many people on this list? Kill
Honorable mention: Elon Musk
While he might not be officially part of the cabinet (yet), he does own it, and that’s enough to earn our good pal Elon a spot on this list. While he may be a narcissistic, thrice-divorced, abusive, overweight Nazi, he does have a certain… charm to him. His fatty folds of skin, the ketamine residue around his nose, his 12 neglected children, the way his arm sometimes snaps into a Sieg Heil when he gets excited… My choice is still Kill, though.
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