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  • Calvin Matthes

DEA Hosts Annual Potluck for Repossessed Drugs

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA— Every year the Vegas strip sees thousands of DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) fraternities descend upon the city to participate in Greek Life. The tradition is thousands of years old, harkening back to when Narcocrates would hold lectures in the Agora about the dangers of Hemlock tainted Ambrosia and how wine is a Dionysian gateway to Hades worship. In modernity, DEA fraternities such as Delta 8 Phi host a potluck in Las Vegas in order to consume the drugs they took off the street. DEA Deputy Advisor and Delta 8 Phi Brother Jack Herer believes embarking with his employees on a week-long bender and getting high on all the drugs they have recovered is “the only way to keep them from falling into the wrong hands.”

DEA agents who attended the exclusive potluck event were treated to a cornucopia of psychedelics, sedatives and stimulants from all over the country. Dishes included a West Philadelphia black bar heroin chocolate fountain, an organic California Cannabis chop salad, and even REAL crack fried chicken which one attendee went on to positively review as “finger-cutting-off-and-selling-on-the-black-market-to-buy-more good”. The highlight of the DEA fraternity dinner, as is the case every year, was the jungle juice: a 5 gallon bucket filled halfway with highly addictive drugs from every corner of America, and halfway with equally addictive but perfectly legal Tito’s Vodka.

Before commencing with their potluck of recovered drugs, each DEA agent is required to lower their commemorative Blue Lives Matter pride flag glasses into the bucket, and recite the Narcotic Oath: “I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant. I will take responsibility for every narcotic I come across. I will lock up every drug dealer I come across. I will use a warrant at least once a year. I will use unnecessary violence only when I have plausible deniability. I will take my duty as a DEA officer with pride and honor, for there is no war but drug war.” Brother Jack Herer also stood before our esteemed lawmen to give a short speech before proceeding with their main course, lamenting how “raiding a drug den simply is not the same when your actions have legal protections attached to them,” but emphasized that “the only way to stop repeat offenders is to arrest them again.”

 DEA fraternity events, while they provide the perfect setting to ingest all the drugs recovered in the past year, are also a great opportunity for agents to hit on the foxy Federal Government chicks. Whereas male government officials were charged a ten dollar entry fee, all women were allowed to enter for free except for Vice President Kamala Harris, whose fake mustache and bowler hat proved unconvincing to the bouncers once again. Only agents who seized the rarest and most illegal of drugs could expect to have high levels of clout at these functions. Any DEA agent could brag to the busty Bureau of Labor Statistics babe about that time they broke into a dude's home and smashed a cannabis plant, but only Cavanaugh can tell that cute chick Carla from Counter Terrorism how he found all that Meth in a New Mexico Chemistry teachers’ basement. Two Agent Trainees had reportedly spent over an hour agonizing over what to say to a young, blonde intern at the White House before realizing that the girl across the room was actually a plant and that the both of them were high on LSD.

At press time, DEA Deputy Advisor Jack Herer had been last seen recovering from a severe hangover passed out in a bush in a suburban neighborhood. When onlookers approached Herer, he reportedly lashed out at them, proclaiming that “Your tax dollars are going to continue to fund this whether you like it or not!”

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