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  • Gabby Cafaro

Neuralink Review: Best Brain Chip on the Market, or Is It All in Our Heads?

Yes, the rumors are true…I am the first person to get implanted with Neuralink!

Neuralink is an implantable chip made by Elon Musk that enables action to be taken from thought in order to provide users with mobile devices or computer control wherever they go. I got tired of carrying around my computer so I thought why not? (important: Elon Musk definitely DID NOT offer me a Cybertruck in exchange for my consent to receive the implant). At a medical facility supervised by Elon Musk and Neuralink, I underwent a procedure to literally insert the Neuralink microchip inside of my body. The nurses at Neuralink cautioned me that if I was put under during the course of the installation process, it would be harder for my contacts to transfer over, so I stayed awake. Several days later, I became the first person on Earth with a Neuralink chip inside of them! I was nervous about how the scar on my forehead looked after the surgery, but the nurses assured me that people would just assume I had a lobotomy instead. 

Getting used to the Neuralink interface was difficult at first. I wound up accidentally sending several risky texts to my gynecologist and I could never figure out how to shut my ringer off while studying at the library. What’s more, using my microwave caused me to black out and by the time I came to, my burrito was all cold again. My friends also accused me of twitching while repeating phrases such as “b-buy Tesla stock” “E-Elon Musk is the almighty creator” but I have no recollection of it so this isn’t as big of a deal. When I contacted Neuralink Customer Services to make them aware of these issues, the customer service representative said that she couldn’t hear me over the noise of everyone else on the shuttle I was riding asking me why I was talking to myself and asking whether I was “crazy.”

The best part of Neuralink is how the chip is designed to learn about its users over time so as to predict what functionality its users might tap into next. For example, every time my friends and I try to go to Jimmy’s on a Saturday night, Neuralink orders me an Uber and sets it to arrive once we have been there for thirty minutes.

Getting Neuralink has also made driving my new Cybertruck a breeze because now I can drive with my eyes closed! I blinked too fast one time and it began playing Mr. Beasts’ new video which made my drive a lot more fun.

Neuralink also has functionality with Tinder and lets me tilt my neck to swipe the direction I want to for the guys on my feed. After a night of wading through the poor selection at Binghamton University, my neck has become permanently tilted to the left.

Maybe my biggest issue with Neuralink is how it always forces me to watch a thirty-second ad before letting me pee. This is intrusive enough on its own, but what’s worse is that usually these ads are either for Dasani Water or about booking a trip to visit Niagara Falls.

Overall, I would urge all of you to get Neuralink at your earliest convenience. I’m completely tapped into my cellular devices and wouldn't want it any other way. Thank you Mr. Musk!

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