Op-Ed: Why I'll Be Going As Jesus Next Santa-Con
I will admit, readers, I get pretty upset around this time of year. Once Mariah Carey kicks off, and that fat red man begins popping up in stores, I can’t help but feel defeated. Every year I’m hopeful that the emphasis of Christ will be brought back to Christmas, and every year I’m disappointed. It’s almost like everyone tries to ignore the birthday of our savior. Even Charlie Brown would rather drone on about the ‘great pumpkin’ and his little Christmas tree (which is explicitly stated to be IDOLATRY in the bible) than talk about our great Father in Heaven, and his one true Son. So many songs, and so few of the ones typically played are actually about Christ. “Baby, it’s cold outside?” Why not “Baby Jesus won’t hold inside?” “Santa Claus is coming to town?” why not “Jesus Christ is beginning to crown?” Why is it that when I turn on Lifetime, all I see are guys kissing? It truly sickens me.
I found out about "Santa-Con" this Friday, when a class-friend of mine asked what I’d be doing for it. This was new to me, so I asked her "what in the d*rned h*ck" she was talking about (not in those profane terms of course, I would never use that kind of language). Let me tell you, I cried that night. I had no idea that such a thing existed, and was so widespread. I immediately deleted that ‘friend’ from all of my contacts, and got to thinking. While I spent most of yesterday inside, trembling in fear at the excessively joyful cries of the heathens outside whilst poring over my Holy Bible, I resolved to set about on a mission for next year’s Santacon.
I will attend Santa-Con, but not as the false ‘Father Christmas’. Instead, I shall become the son of the true Holy Father, Jesus Christ. While everyone will be bundled up and warm in their profane sweaters and suggestive attire, I will be dressed in nothing but a cloth and sandals, just like Jesus was. While you are all drinking booze to get happy, I will be eternally happy, grateful for His sacrifice. While you guys are coupling and smooching in the streets, I’ll be making plans to get married 5-6 years earlier than the average American, just like the rest of those in my religion. So if you’re going to Santa-Con next year, be ready for the second coming: Me.