Top 3 Pieces of Financial Advice for New Students: Number 2 Will Shock You!

College is, for new freshmen, a time of firsts — cooking, doing your own laundry, pregnancy scares, and, for many students, being financially independent. However, because of the failures of America’s underfunded public school system and the capitalist oligarchy deliberately keeping the proletariat financially illiterate, many new students don’t know how to manage their own finances. This article should provide those students with helpful tips to keep their first year of university as stress-free as possible!

1. Avoid scams

Many unscrupulous scam artists prey on college students with phishing schemes, offers of fake jobs and financial aid, and more. The BUTT staff cannot understand their business model, as college students have no money to steal, but the criminal mind is one best left alone.

To avoid these cunning scams, keep in mind this one simple rule: If it seems too good to be true, lock that shit down right fucking now before someone else takes it. You can read the whole thing later, right now you’ve gotta nail that shit down before it goes away, right now!

2. Avoid the stock market like the plague and invest in reptiles

Many financial advisors and business students will tell you to start investing in the stock market at an early age. They are all lying sons of bitches. The stock market is hokum and money laundering for rich people and basically gambling and you should stay away from it. Instead, smart money invests in reptiles.

A ball python runs around $50 at the low end, can live for up to 30 years, and a female will lay a clutch of 20 eggs, each of which will produce a snake that you can sell for $50-$150. If you breed for specific phenotypes and morphs, within a few generations you could easily sell a snake for $30,000 or more.

Pros: Stocks go up and stocks go down, but the value of snakes will keep rising forever.

Cons: Not every roommate is chill like that with keeping dead feeder mice in the freezer.

3. Accurately report all earned income to the IRS

This includes any and all income earned through extortion, robbery, blackmail, kidnapping, and any drug or prostitution rings you may be involved with. I do this every April to establish dominance over the IRS, and I like to look my tax attorney in the eye as I explain in great detail every criminal activity I am involved in. I do this to feel alive, and because I know that they can’t stop me.