Adam Malev to Initiate Annual Mass Memory-Wipe Following Commencement
Updated: May 12
It's that time of year again, Adam Malev is having his graduation party! It might feel like deja vu. You might say, “I’ve been here before.” It's because you have. Every year Adam is a senior and every year he has a graduation party. Adam will erase your memory every May and every May he promotes his graduation party.
Do not fret, though. Every year he spares three devoted souls, and you may be among them. In past years only the most loyal souls were absolved from the mass memory wipe. In a shocking turn of events, Adam has announced that this year will be different: there will be a draft. The entire Binghamton University student body will gather on the street of the Printing House at the end of the day of Adam Malev's commencement. The selected few will then do the duty of completing the mass memory wipe through means beyond your current comprehension. There is very little detail on what the criteria for the exemption draft is. We imagine it will have to do with the number of pre games you attended as well as the amount of times he has written something you said down in that weird stupid little notebook he keeps in his pocket. Not everyone can be a winner.
We interviewed the current Adam Malev for his insight on the situation. He said (this actually happened) “last year, over 100 people showed up!” So it got us thinking... what the actual fuck did he just say? To further our investigation, we attended Adam Malev’s so-called ‘pre-game’. And wow, what a crowd! I have never experienced more utter confusion and disappointment than we did at the printing house that night. Nonetheless, Adam pulled through with the opening act of his security guard and some other random man. They sucked. I couldn't wait for it to be over! The real showstopper goes by the name of Cryptic. He threw “money” at women and sang over his own song. That's embarrassing. After spending too much time with Adam Malev we feared that our own memories would be spared. I pray that this will not be the case, as there is nothing I want to forget more than Adam Malev’s graduation party. The memory wipe will take place on May 14th. Beware. Stay inside.
Here are some words from some past veterans of the memory wipe, who have wished to remain anonymous so that they will hopefully escape Adam Malev's Pre-Wipe Memory Detection Radar:
Veteran 1: “Adam Malev is graduating again? Weird. I had sex with him last year because I figured I would never see him again. Wait, are you writing this down? Did you write that too? What's going on? Who are you? I thought this was just a sincere grindr date.”
Veteran 2: “I don't remember Adam Malev’s graduation party.”
Veteran 3: “Well, Adam's party... do you have my lemonade? Listen, I won't be mad if you took it, just let me know. The consequences will be far worse if you don't, alright?”
So there you have it. We all inevitably succumb to the Malev Wipe, unless you happen to be one of the lucky (or unlucky, depending on your perspective) few chosen to carry on the year's legacy. If you're terrified by the prospect of not remembering any of the special or unique people, events, and things that might have crossed your path this year, think of it this way: the big wipe is a chance to be born anew. Who knows what it'll be like this time around?
P.S: If you're reading this any time after the 14th, you probably have no idea who Adam Malev even is. Don't worry; you'll meet him. Eventually.