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  • Sam Wheeler

Binghamton A Cappella Group Shocked to Discover Musical Instruments Are a Real Thing

Members of the Binghamton Crosbys are in disarray after the group has learned that musical instruments are actually a real thing. The a cappella group, renowned for hit covers of “still feel.,” “War Pigs,” and “Whipping Post,” happened upon the shocking discovery while searching for a rehearsal space in the Fine Arts building. Crosby spokesperson Elias Marsh had this to say about their strange encounter: “We were walking through Fine Arts, looking for a place to rehearse our next show, when we stumbled into this room that had all these weird, indescribable gadgets. We kind of looked around confused until we realized they might be those things called ‘musical instruments.’ We’d heard people mention them before but we had no idea they were real!”

According to the group, they had previously thought instruments were just something people made up in order to create funny memes. “I had honestly thought ‘guitars’ came from Guitar Hero or Guitar Hero 2 or even Guitar Hero 3, or that one Wonderwall joke everyone makes. I’ve been doing something I like to call an “air guitar” while singing the ‘Whipping Post’ solo all this time for shows, but I never realized that they had any bassist in reality. It was an absurd experience seeing the real thing just sitting there; they’ve got such a wild, fascinating shape,” says one member, affectionately nick-named the “Jimi Hendrix of the a cappella world.”

An incredible moment in Crosby history, BUTT reporters were eager to find out what new direction the group would consider going in after having this trebling revelation. According to Marsh, the group will most likely stick to what they do best: making disturbingly inhuman noises come out of their mouth-holes while looking extremely constipated. “Well it was great that we stumbled on this discovery, but I don’t think we’ll be using 'Instruments' anytime soon. That’d ruin our magic and plus, we’d totally be shunned by the rest of the a cappella world for abandoning our roots. Some of us were throwing around the idea of maybe starting a Crosby boy band spinoff like One Direction or the Backstreet Boys, so keep your eyes peeled for that. At least for right now, we’re gonna keep focusing on our boss singing and beatboxing skills.” Marsh then did a sick beatboxing breakdown for BUTT reporters to sign off to.

After recovering from their initial shock, the Crosby’s were able to continue their rehearsal as planned. They are slated to perform tomorrow in the Chamber Hall at the Anderson Center at 3 in the afternoon. As it turns out, we booked our own concert in the nearby Casadesus Recital Hall, and are scheduled to play our “Exploring Various Fart Noises Through Woodwind and Brass” at the exact same time the Crosbys will be performing. It is probably in your best interests to attend their concert and not ours, because we spent the entirety of our 3 rehearsals getting blackout drunk and figuring out how many ways it was possible to drink out of a tuba.

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