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Da-Scent From the Porcelain Throne: Cheese Club President Resigns Following Constipation Scandal


Senior Brendan Capria was forced to resign his position as Cheese Club president following the shocking revelation that the E-Board member neglected to follow the club's own guidelines regarding the careful consumption of dairy-inclusive products. He has since been hospitalized at UHS, where doctors are currently attempting to remove an extensive volume of undigested cheese from his GI tract.

BINGHAMTON, NY - Chaos strikes the Cheese Community as the Cheese Club loses another valued member to constipation. This time the impact weighs heavy on the community, as well as on the Binghamton University community as a whole, particularly because this week's victim is the Cheese Club President. As many may know, the Cheese Club posts a slide in each of their weekly meetings warning that Cheese does in fact contain dairy. Unfortunately, this information translates into the general body as well as most terms and conditions typically do, leading to a number of backup-inducing binge cheese eating sessions and a drastic increase in Lactaid sales. President Brenden “The Big Cheese” Capria notes: “It’s a real shitty situation to be in. I mean technically it’s the exact opposite of that but regardless, I want to be the one to spread awareness of the dark side of the Cheese life. The price of TP is high as ever, this situation has put a lot of strain on my bowels, my wallet, and my mind.” Local critics criticized Capria’s comments saying he was “full of shit.” While this may be true, it is certainly worth noting Capria’s expertise in the field. In an interview with Capria’s close friend and Former Cheese Club President Eric Matson, Matson had the following comment regarding the situation: “Constipation is a real issue in the Cheese Community- It’s never a grate situation to be in, but I can only hope that while we may not have the self control to limit our Cheese intake (nor should we), it’s important to be the better cheddar and admit to our faults. I sympathize Capria’s struggles, and am continually encouraging him to keep pushing. The constipation will be over before he knows it.”

With cheese season at an all time high, we encourage all of our readers out there to stay cheesy, but remain diligent as well. Cheese Club is an amazing experience and a great time, but remember: with a great time comes great responsibility for one's bowels.

Special shout-out to today's sponsors: RAID Shadow Legends, Lactaid, and Charmin.

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