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  • Writer's pictureBU Times Tribune

"We Decided to Cast James Corden as Tom Bombadil," Says Evil Billionaire Jeff Bezos

During his most recent interview with the BUTT on matters that don't really concern him, everyone’s favorite evil billionaire, Jeff Bezos, gave some more information on some upcoming projects that will be available to stream at some point on Amazon Prime (not sponsored, I promise). Seated on his throne made of the souls of the damned, the real life equivalent of Mr. Burns gave us some much anticipated information about the Lord of the Rings project that is supposed to be coming any time now. In a voice that can only be described as demonic in a way that makes me question my mortality, he told us that “when it comes to casting, I like to have the final say in things. It’s not just because I’m rich enough to do anything I want and get away with it, but also because I want to inflict as much suffering as possible. For that reason, we decided to cast James Corden as the beloved character Tom Bombadil.”

“James Corden was casted as Tom Bombadil for a couple of reasons. For starters, Tom Bombadil, and presumably the rest of the main cast of characters, are British, and so is James Corden. So, if we were going to reach that level of accuracy to the original story that the fans want, it seems only right to make sure that Bombadil is British, but in a way that still lets me piss those commoners off. Additionally, Bombadil is a beloved character because of his optimism and cheerful nature, and Corden is able to do all that and more in his ‘acting’ skills. And again, I know how you disgusting peasants think. I’m giving you everything you want in this project but in the worst way possible, and you’re still going to watch it because we slapped Lord of the Rings on it, you fucking dumbasses,” the Dr. Evil reject finished his interview before he sicced some hounds after us.

As to be expected, fan reactions to this casting are incredibly negative. With people making claims ranging from rather depressing- “As much as I hate to admit it, Ebenezer Scrooge is kind of right, I know I’m binging that whole series in one day” said one fan- to pretty worrying: “Life just isn’t hitting the same anymore, you know?” said another.

After these negative comments started flowing in, James Corden had this to say:

Nothing, we didn’t care enough to ask.

I’m not flying all the way to California just to ask James fucking Corden what his thoughts are on these comments. I don’t even want to be in the same room as him, so why would I go across the country, miss out on all of my classes, just to ask him one fucking question. Do you know how many tests I have in the next week? I couldn’t give less of a shit about his opinion.

This casting makes me want to kill myself.

Fuck you James Corden.


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