It's that time of year again! Just in time for Thanksgiving and not a moment later, here are the BUTT’s Top 10 Thanksgiving dishes for you to enjoy with your family.
#10 - The Sludge
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How could you pick the sludge? I hate the sludge and I hate you.” I totally see where you’re coming from, but this is a classic addition to any Thanksgiving table. It’s a great centerpiece — no one’s going to even touch it. It’s also easy to make! When your family complains that you didn’t bring anything to dinner this year, you can just point to the sludge. What are they gonna do, admit that they hate the sludge? Didn’t think so.
#9 - The Terrible Awkward Tension When Your Uncle’s New Girlfriend Announces That She’s Pregnant
He may be on his 4th divorce, but your Uncle Larry’s got a special surprise for everyone! His girlfriend of three months is pregnant, and you can bet an engagement is right around the corner. Enjoy the tangy sweet flavor of the hilarity of the situation and rich undertones of the collective disappointment felt by everyone present. Larry assures everyone that “it’ll definitely work out this time.” Sure, Larry. Why don’t you go pay your child support?
#8 - Turkey
Everyone loves turkey! The ultimate Thanksgiving food — the holiday wouldn’t be complete without it. Sometimes it’s got stuffing in it. Speaking of which, it’s still called stuffing when you just put it in a tray and eat it; I don’t think I’ve ever had turkey that actually had stuffing in it. Whatever. Just enjoy, and try not to think about how your mother was probably elbow-deep in that turkey’s ass while preparing it a few hours ago.
#7 - That Bowl of Hard Candy That’s Been on Your Grandmother’s Coffee Table Longer Than You’ve Been Alive
Ah, Grandma’s house. So nostalgic and full of memories, and for some reason this bowl of candy is in every single one of them. You probably can’t remember a time it wasn’t there, and that’s because it’s been there for 56 years. Your grandmother’s kept it around “just in case,” but the Cold War ended 35 years ago and this stuff probably expired at around the same time. Actually, maybe you shouldn’t eat this one.
#6 - The Edibles Your Chill Cousin Brought
Your family might think it’s a little strange that every year at the same time you and your cousin go for a “walk,” but they’re just happy you two are getting along. Besides, there’s no way anyone can tell. Sure, you may have stared directly at your Aunt Lisa for an unbroken 30 seconds when she asked you to pass the peas, but you’re experienced and you’ve got this locked down — no one suspects a thing.
#5 - The Gray Sludge
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “I’m so happy that you picked the gray sludge. I love the gray sludge and I love you.” I love you too! This stuff goes so fast you can usually only get a little bit before it’s all gone. Everyone loves this. Instant classic.
#4 - Watching Thanksgiving Football With Your Grandfather, Who Is Not Racist
Yes, this is a food. Everyone needs a hiding place from family members asking why they aren’t dating anyone yet, and watching football with your grandfather in the living room is a great way to do this. And plot twist, guess what? He’s NOT racist this time. He’s actually really chill, and was super accepting when your brother came out as trans last year. You love your grandfather and you love your local football team. God bless America.
#3 - That One Distant Cousin That Nobody Will Miss
You’re pretty sure no one at dinner besides your grandmother even remembers his name. Listen — those edibles are giving you serious munchies and there’s no more of The Gray Sludge. It’s fine, nobody’s going to judge you if you take just one bite. What’s the big deal?
#2 - Sweet Potatoes and Marshmallow Fluff
Holy fuck have you guys ever had this? This shit is literally what heaven tastes like. Seriously, you have to try this, I don’t even know if it’s a common dish or whatever but this is one of the best things to ever exist, full stop. 6 out of 5 stars. God damn.
#1 - The Air Freshener in the Basement Bathroom
Oh man, what was in those edibles? It's only a matter of time before they find you down here. You know that old odor diffuser in the bathroom? The one that glows suspiciously? You have to drink it. It's the only way. Maybe it'll give you superpowers and you can finally escape, and then you'll be able go back to your very important life where you do very important things (sleeping and masturbating). Why would they make it smell so good if they didn't want anybody to eat it?
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