The number of Binghamton University art majors over the last few years has skyrocketed after a landmark 2021 New York state law preventing minors from purchasing nitrous oxide canisters. The BUTT takes its motto “correlation equals causation” very seriously, and decided to further investigate by interviewing members of the art faculty on their thoughts.
“I’m glad that students are starting to take an interest in the arts,” one professor said. “It’s about time they stopped partying and started seriously thinking about what’s important in life. I’m seeing a lot of that self-expression come out. By the end of a typical day, they’re absolutely covered in paint. It’s a beautiful sight to behold.”
When questioned about the sudden influx of students, one administrator said, “Yes, having more students has done wonders for our budget. It lets us buy more paint. A lot more paint. We need a lot of paint for important art stuff. Mind your own damn business.”
Insider reports, however, claim that the students have other motives:
“I’m pretty sure they’re just huffing paint,” one source claimed. “Not sure how the art department hasn’t realized yet. I think they’re literally all too hopped up on paint thinner to notice, the goddamn animals. Banning whippets was the worst thing the Democrats did to this country.”
The new trend might be causing worse side effects than previously thought. A recent student exhibit from the department left some feeling shocked and disturbed after it reportedly displayed “increasingly abstract nonsense” and was “like watching those fucked-up dementia self-portrait videos in real life.”
One student remarked, “Not sure what it says about us that all our art is the result of paint-induced brain damage, but it makes sense, y’know? If I was cooped up 24/7 trying to paint pictures of naked people I’d go a little crazy too. Hell, the entirety of Watson does meth just to compensate for the 30 minutes of sleep they get each night. Not sure what the problem is here.”
When confronted, a spokesperson for the art department had this to say regarding the allegations: “The students are simply looking for inspiration by using every resource available to them. I’d like to see YOU try to turn painting a fucking bowl of fruit for 5 hours into an entertaining experience. We all do it, you know. I always - and you can quote me on this - I always say, ‘inspiration is better found at the bottom of a paint bucket than at the bottom of a bottle.’ Get me a can of Dark Burgundy from Benjamin Moore over a Macallan 18 any day of the week.”
In light of the allegations, plans are currently underway to transfer all funding from the arts department to doing more construction on the Spine by 2025, because “it’s just kinda fun.” In the words of the director of the soon-to-be Harpur College of Sciences, “What? They weren’t doing anything with it anyway. If there’s one group of people who’ve never contributed anything to society, it’s artists. Bunch of deadbeats. If you ask me, SOM’s the only good thing to ever come out of this godforsaken place.”
In the meantime, the staff over at the Healthy Campus Initiative would like to let everyone know that they have plenty of Sharpies (for drawing) available for any refugee art majors whose mental health may be suffering in these trying times.
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