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  • Brendan Boyce

U.S. Military Promises to Install M.O.A.B. Maulers On F-22 Jets

This week, tensions between the United States and China reached a boiling point as four Chinese spy balloons were blasted out of the sky by Tom Cruise, flying an F-22 jet while maniacally laughing. The United States is preparing for the long-awaited final installment to the World War trilogy by adding M.O.A.B. Maulers to their air defenses, and employing monkeys experienced in balloon-based combat.

The M.O.A.B. Mauler, added to the fourth iteration of the hit Bloons Tower Defense series, deals tenfold damage to blimps, and is essential to the late game meta of World War III. The brightest minds at Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and the other military-industrial complexes that your Engineer friends now work at because they pay "mad bank" have worked tirelessly to reverse-engineer the game's technology to work on standard US military jet aircraft. Somehow, countless innocent Iraqi civilians have already been killed by the Mauler despite the technology finishing development just a week ago.

In a new press conference, Joe Biden remarked that “War is a pay to win mobile game, and we have all the V-Bucks”, before promptly dying. The United States is also adding Sniper Monkeys and Dartling Gun Monkeys to their military personnel, as well as adding Banana Farms to help the war effort and stave off inflation. At this time, China is publicly denying the rumors that they are using Monkey Subs to invade Taiwan. The events of the past week confirmed a popular Bloons Tower Defense theory; the bloons are indeed dirty communist pigs.

However, there are new reports that the objects getting shot down over Montana could be alien in nature, in which case the CIA would wake up the Master Chief from cryostasis. I know war is bad, but like... that would be pretty cool. We at the BUTT are all firm believers in global peace, and for that reason, war is necessary.

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