Everyone knows that sex is mandatory on Valentine’s Day. But do you know why that is? The holiday was originally named after this crazy motherfucker named St. Valentine, who went around murdering snakes just because he felt like it. This guy was so cool that everyone started fucking, ruining decades of hard-won chastity amongst devout Irish folk. Guess what? We're still fucking to this day, all thanks to this one Irish dude.
Today, the holiday is known for being watered down by a constant inundation of corporate messaging, from ads meant to make you feel like your relationship sucks because you’re too poor to buy your partner “flowers” or “chocolate” or "Squishmallows," and ones that guilt you for having no bitches (come on man, do you even remember the last time you had pussy on Valentine’s?)
While certain journalistic outlets have released lists of “sex songs” in order to “spice up” the sex lives of those who need it, we here at the BUTT recognize that this is an attempt to make up for the pathetic, limped-dick compulsory sex that everyone has today. In honor of the occasion, here are the BUTT’s picks for the wildest cock-slammers that will truly make this Valentine’s Day a special (and somewhat painful, but in a good way) one.
5. Hole Diggin’ by Scott Henderson
Hole Diggin’ is the premier track of Scott Henderson’s Dog Party, an album that chronicles life from the perspective of a dog. If that’s not an accurate description of how this song makes you feel, well, then fuck me. This banger will be sure to unleash the dog in you.
4. Bangarang by Skrillex (feat. Sirah)
This one’s a throwback for sure. Even though the song has been used in countless CoD montages and YouTube tutorials made by 12 year olds, that does not make it any less of an amazing song to have sex to. If anything, that only makes it better. This song was literally made for sex. Don’t believe me? Look at the title. Feel the bass surge through the tip of his cock as he pounds you harder than Kyle and his friends after you called his mom a bitch over VoIP.
3. Psychobilly Freakout by The Reverend Horton Heat
Ever wanted to know what sex would be like in the middle of some fucked-up Texas rodeo run by insane hillbilly clowns? Did I mention that the clowns are all on crack?
The incredibly deep lyrics of this song are super arousing and thought-provoking, in a sexual way. I guarantee you that your partner will be carried away by the Reverend’s sick steely guitar riffs and turn into a psychotic fucking machine.
2. (Ghost) Riders in the Sky by The Outlaws
Once you get to about 3:53… Honestly, there are no words to describe it. You have to experience it for yourself.
Honorable Mention- EKSE by Off The Meds
While this sex song did not make it on the list as it does not possess the same high-speed extreme turbo-fucking energy that other songs on this list have, it would be wrong for us to omit it entirely. Playing this song will trigger a flashback to the raw sexual tension you experienced while watching the “Milo Dance Scene” in Morbius (2022). Even if you haven’t watched the movie, the lyrics are sure to arouse. Most of it is in Zulu, but hearing the words “have sex” repeatedly will trigger a Pavlovian response that will make you and your partner endlessly hornier and hornier.
1. Through the Fire and Flames by DragonForce
Here it is. The ultimate Sex Song. While it was certainly a difficult choice for us to make, this song truly epitomizes Sex. Known for being not only the most difficult song to play in Guitar Hero 3, but also one of the hardest levels to play in any video game, only a true master of Sex can fuck to this song. This song will provide one of the most intense and epic sexual experiences you will ever have. Besides having some of the most exhilarating guitar riffs Man has ever dared to dream up, the lyrical content of this song conjures up some truly phenomenal imagery. In the name of love, will you dare to go through the fire and flames?
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