BINGHAMTON, NY – Hello, we’re cooked department? Yeah, I’d like to file a complaint.
The United States is… heated right now, to say the least, and it’s clear to see why. The
Cheeto Man is back. He’s the Don of the country again. Public Enemy #45 is now Public
Enemy #47. That’s right – Donald Trump has been elected president of the United
States, and people are LIVID. It seems that anger with the outcome of the election, the
political system, and the country overall is most common among people who really
wanted the other candidate to win. Wow. Shocker. To see what this sentiment was all
about, we shot a correspondent out of the BUTT over to a post-election rally for the
democratic candidate, Kamala Harris. There, he interviewed several attendees including
one Libby Rull, who vehemently complained that “They voted for the guy I don’t like! It’s
the end of democracy! He’s gonna do the things I don’t want him to do but most people
do want him to do! How is that fair?” Her friend, Col Edgeboy, soon pushed through the
flocks of blue hair and pronounce to add that “Yeah! In fact, I don’t even think most
people voted for him! The election must have been stol… wait…”
This election is truly a sad development for Beckies and beta cucks everywhere, but at
least locally, they are SO back. Following the extremely coincidental resignation notice
of Binghamton University president Harvey Stenger, Kamala Harris came out recently
announcing that she would be running for the position. When asked why a United
States senator would be doing such a thing, she replied “I grew up in a middle-class
family. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that if you have too much status and privilege
for too long, you lose sight of yourself and what you’ve set out to do. I’m taking this
opportunity to build back better. FUCK that was Joe not me. Can I have a do-over?” Our
correspondent did not give her a do-over and simply continued to ask questions. When
asked about what her policies as president of Binghamton would be, she responded
“That’s a very good question. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, I am not Harvey Stenger. If
you elect me president, his policies will not be enacted. What? He’s not… running
against me? And I haven’t shed any light on my policies at all? Which means that I’ve
given no reason for my election as opposed to more qualified candidates? Uhh…
umm… Cardi B, everybody!” And then Cardiovascular Bronchitis emerged from the
shadows and started twerking all over the place and everybody clapped, and our
interviewer was forced out of the immediate area by the sheer energy of the whole
ordeal. So, we didn’t get much information on Kamala, which means we technically
can’t attack her, but we’re not going to endorse her either. The BUTT is a neutral news
outlet, after all, unlike an UNintentionally satirical newspaper that I know…
As the thick, ropey icing on the cake of this quite yummy situation, we asked Donald
Trump himself what he thought of Harris trying to rebound her career in this way, and
his response was only one word: “Who?”
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