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The Binghamton University Times-Tribune Sex Survey 2023 Results

Ah… What a fine Sex Month it was, aye? We’ve been spending winter break recuperating from it, because man, did all that intense sex really knock the wind out of us! Not with each other, though. Well… Regardless, we’ve collected samples from Binghamton’s best and most fertile to provide the know-how on all things coital, and today we bring forth the fruits of their labor. If you’re wondering why the results are not displayed on a single all-encompassing infographic like our contemporaries, you should really be wondering why Pipe Dream gets their own newspaper booth that others have to pay a fifty dollar fine if they’re caught putting their print editions in them. Only until the justice we seek is reached will we then make an image really meant for print that is crammed with so much tiny text that it becomes incomprehensible unless you zoom in on it. Anyway, due to the sheer number of responses, only a handful of those written out will be featured here. Without further ado, here’s to you:

How Do You Identify Yourself?

To those who described themselves as “girls” later on in the survey… ????

What’s on Your Le Smexy Playlist?

I personally listen to the band Primus, it really gets me in the mood with their boglike swamp noises.

What Year Are You?

A special thanks to the half of you who will potentially fill out this survey just before the sun explodes.

How Many Failed Relationships Have You Had in the Past Year? Explain.

  • 2, one with my mother and one with my father

Oddly enough, I also finished my recent relations with your mother and father.

  • One. I ate him.

Is he okay?

  • 2. One ended because i couldn’t stand how bad her breath smelled. Like i’m not an asshole about that stuff but it was at the point where I had to genuinely ask them to please not eat the gross ass snack food that made her breath smell like that before we kissed, AND THEY STILL WOULD DO IT REGARDLESS AND THE TASTE HAUNTS ME TO THIS DAY. oh and also because they were emotionally manipulative and had a rage problem, but the gross taste is the main focus here. The other one was because apparently they were just using me for sex and tbh not even that super mad about it bc it was sort of casual anyways, and literally ANYTHING is better than that fucking horrible taste oh my fucking god i taste it right now GRAAAAAAH

Oh God. Imagine the smell… Actually, don’t. Sorry to hear.

  • 9.71*10^15


  • two, decided to date a guy who got sent off to germany for the air force & dated another guy for a week until he told me to send him my location 😬


Select All That Apply.

Terrifying stuff.

Rawest Porn Moment of 2022?

  • Seeing your mom on their.

  • saw a girl put her dick in a cantaloupe and the pain from that had to be raw as fuck


  • Tifa Lockhart in Italy

Ah, Paris…

  • The British are Cuming

Call me Paul, the way I’m taking it in the Revere! Also,

  • Top 20 hottest fortnite skins

True as fuck.

  • Was the Final Fantasy Italian Senate incident this year?

What the fuck.

What Kinda Butthole You Got

Pucker up!

Which Do You Do?


Tell Me Your Secrets... That No One Should Hear! Whisper Them Softly... Into My Ear! I Won’t Tell! I Won’t Tell!

  • some of the best sex ive ever had in my life came from hooking up with grindr user “bonus hole boy” who had MTG banners and posters in his room and was INSANELY into getting bit/hit/etc. to the point where i got scared with how much force they wanted me to use, especially when they asked me to PULL THEIR NIPPLE RINGS LIKE FUCKING HANDLES

Bonus Hole Boy, if you’re out there, I hope you’re safe.

  • My fetish is blasting cum on a girl who's wearing full clown makeup while stereotypical clown music is playing

Honl honl :o)

  • I bought my friend a Megumin body pillow for Christmas.

Computer, search for “Megumin Konosuba’s age.”

  • I write for... Binghamton Review

Shame! SHAME!!!! Everyone! Let’s throw sand and pebbles and grains of rice at them!

  • I had no lube so we used olive oil 🫰🥵

Please never do that again. For your sake. And theirs.


Unbelievable stuff here folks.

Describe Your Most Vivid Dream (This Will Be Used for Psychoanalysis Later).

  • i dreamt that i woke up and started doing aim practice in an overwatch 2 custom game for an hour then when i woke up i put in the same map code i used in the dream and the title for it was “Tinderwatch 21+ Dating”

Do you believe in miracles?

  • A flashback to when I was shot at in Bridgeport, pinned down by 18th St gang, and layer caught between them and a responding SWAT unit. Nothing is more hot than narcoterrorists shooting at me fr


  • 2/1/23 (2:30-10:30) I’m checking on the second of two directly neighboring houses my fam owns as I use it’s outside accessible bathroom. As I open the outside door to check the inside, I hear a ruckus and see moving shirts in blue and white and rush to lock the door and hide in the bathroom. A group of about 8 guys run out w spears and machete looking knives and attack me until I pass out and they run off. When I wake up, a group of news reporters r on the scene asking what happened and interviewing the only prominent Met on the premises, Daniel Vogelbach but when I pass by he looks like Luis Guillorme. I’m livid yelling WTF HAPPENED until I see 2 old white guys in suits parachuting down to the fromt yard and getting stuck in a tree. They then use some high tech parachute setting to laterally shift like a crane 🏗️ and then they diagonally descend from above and in front me and all of the reporters to directly in the middle of all of us. We’re all excited by their coolest entrance ever and I’m disappointed I took Snapchat out too slowly to capture the moment

Excuse me?

  • In first grade, I had a dream in which my father, a stranger, and I were walking through the Egyptian desert underneath the Sphinx. Suddenly, sand began falling from the Sphinx, and I was being buried. The other two, however, were walking on sand, leaving me behind. As I began to panic, I fell into the sand, and woke up.

Did you survive?

  • Uhh, I usually don't remember them in full detail, but they are mostly horror or thriller themed. I remember one specifically that was like 5 games worth of characters, like L4D and even Saints Row 4. Anyway, we were all like down on the earth kinda like that level from Halo 1, Library. And all these fucking zenomorphs come out of fucking nowhere and all I have to hight them off is a zip lock bag full of Chinese finger traps

Have you considered that this may represent your repressed sexual urges?

Do You Know Where the Clit Is? (Erm... It’s Right behind Me, Isn’t It?)

Well… That just happened!

What Do Your Balls Smell Like?

  • I am girl

She’s dodging the question.

  • sweet and sour

Is it one flavor per ball?

  • If I had balls they would smell like Cheetos from me putting them in cheetos

It ain’t easy being cheesy…

  • Sweat. The grindset never stops.


  • Erythropoietin

I remember when I had both kidneys.

Can I Get a Booty Pic with Your Panties on and One without Them On? Can I Also Get 3 Different Pics of Your Boobs Any Position. Also, Can I Get Just a Normal Pic or Your Pussy from the Front and One Where It’s Spread a Bit Open. Can I Get a Picture of You Fingering Yourself? Can I Get a Pic of Your Pussy and Ass from behind in One Shot? Can I Also Get a Pic of Your Full Front Body in Just Your Bra and Panties? And Can I Get a Pic of Your Ass While Your Panties Are All Up? Can I Also Get a Pic of Your Boobs While You’re in the Shower? For the Rest of the Pics Can You Just Send Whatever Sexy Things You Want? For the Videos Can I Get a Video of You Twerking in Just Really Short Shorts? And One of You Fingering Yourself? One of You Actually Cumming? Also, Can I Get One of You Playing With Your Tits While Not Wearing a Shirt? If You Have a Dildo Can You Send My A

Thank you.

Have You Ever Had a Baby Scare?

Loathsome pests.

How Thick Is Your Cum?

Diversity is our strength!

How Far Have You Cum? (ft.)

  • I’m more of a gusher (I have a vagina)

Once again, people are evading and avoiding… What are you hiding?

  • 7 (not a joke i got really scared when i did it)

Wait, okay, no jokes, no bullshit, did you actually measure it afterwards? What was the process like, did you use a ruler and etch marks in the ground, or perhaps laid down next to it and compared the difference in height?

  • shot down a bald eagle


  • Started from the bottom now we here

City boys UP! 🙌

  • 6.022e23

You could split atoms with such power.

Is Sex Real?

Phew, got worried for a second there.

What Fictional Character(s) Would You like to See Star in a 1080P Interpolated Oiled up Naked Blender Compilation?

  • The Simpsons females characters, Spongebop, Patrick, Squidward Tentacles

Yes, yes…

  • Levi Ackerman and uh his clone

Have conviction! It’s what he and his clone would want.

  • the president

Biden has been caught doing the “thug shaker,” if you haven’t heard. Look into it.

  • The regenerative lamb that makes all the lamb over rice at maryams

I hope she’s okay in there.

  • You. This is all in my head.

Wait! No, no! This can’t be! Y-You… !!!!

Would You like to Have Your Very Own Gooncave Pimped Out?

Two of you didn’t answer this one. We’ll be in touch.

P...please Have Sex with Me? 🥺

D’oh gosh… Sorry, but I’m taken.

And that’s about it. Just one quick little thing, though. To the people who consistently answered with “no” and “your mom,” skewing the results: joke's on you, pal! We’ve got your school email, which comes with your full name! We’re sending BUTTdrones to your home right now.

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