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  • Helmcue Clamwax

An Open Letter to Those Who Noticed


Dear humble reader whom we adore and cherish,


You read our magnificent publication, so you’re obviously quite intelligent. With all your smarts, it is entirely within a reasonable possibility that you may or may not have noticed a particular facet of the recently released print edition of the finest journalism this campus has to offer. Yes, you may have indeed pondered what appears to be a proverbial sore thumb, The thing within John Carpenter’s The Thing that seems just off-kilter enough to warrant a sneaking suspicion that there very well might be an impostor among us. Those that are completely and utterly alienated or perhaps even befuddled needn’t worry with the contents of this letter; please run along now, free yourself from your self-imposed torment! Those that know of what I allude to, however, will find it behooving to read further.


The hint corresponding to the second word across within the Fun Page’s Crazy Crossword is misleading at an initial, secondary, and perhaps even tertiary glance. Perusing through the paper, it would seem as though we, no, I had made a great, erroneous oversight. As the banner makes abundantly clear in the glorious website you currently find yourself on in no uncertain terms, the Binghamton University Times-Tribune - or Union Times and Tribune, if you’re feeling fancy - is this Public Ivy’s only intentionally satirical news source, and this fact remains unwavering.


You see, the Crazy Crossword’s title is no mere alliterate scenery to chew; it intends to drive those who set out to solve it mad with its sole spike of complexity. Before revealing itself to them in full, it demands a metacognitive analysis into the very nature of the hint and its relation to the self. The select few who have witnessed the completed puzzle may find it to be impossible to determine with what is given, but with the aforementioned in mind, it all becomes quite simple. Such as it is in life on occasion, the answer is clear after performing this humbling deed.


You must take the L.


Best,




Helmcue Clamwax, a BUTT Shadow Government Puppeteer

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