LAS VEGAS, NV— On April 10th, reports began to circulate that professional football player OJ Simpson had died from a bout with prostate cancer. While many Americans were all too quick to believe the coroner’s diagnosis as to OJ Simpson’s cause of death, many others, including this journalist, express skepticism that prostate cancer was responsible. Just because OJ Simpson had contracted prostate cancer over a year ago does not mean that his death could not have been caused by something else like pneumonia or smallpox. And, though no reports can confirm or deny this, it is entirely possible that the enlarged prostate found on OJ Simpson’s person used as evidence in the trial could have been planted on him by an overzealous doctor. In a joint statement written by the American Medical Association (AMA), several concerned medical professionals and academicians have cautioned that if Prostate Cancer were to have been found guilty of murdering OJ Simpson, it would give off the impression to American citizens that all tumors caused by prostate cancer are malignant. It was a heated and personal trial, but Prostate Cancer was fortunately acquitted of all murder charges after the revelation that the exam gloves did not fit.
Prostate Cancer, since the acquittal, has released a book in a further attempt to fall back into the public’s good graces again titled If I Were Contracted. The book details how Prostate Cancer, if it were to have been contracted by OJ and killed him, which Prostate Cancer vehemently denies, but if it were to have done so, the cancer would have begun by increasing the amount of prostate-specific antigens in OJ’s blood before turning into a tumor that would have taken over the entirety of OJ’s body. In its book, Prostate Cancer contends that if it really were to have been contracted by OJ Simpson that the retired football player would have been so frightened as to have “pissed himself.”
At press time, Prostate Cancer’s book has received widespread criticism as many readers expressed concern that the description as to how the tumor would have taken over OJ Simpson’s body felt “way too elaborate and thorough to have been written by someone who wasn’t responsible for the murder.” Supporters of Prostate Cancer’s innocence, meanwhile, just believe that Prostate Cancer is not a good writer whose words should be taken too seriously and that Prostate Cancer should just stick to creating tumors inside of people’s prostates.