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  • Brendan Boyce

James Corden Performs Stand-Up in Binghamton: Dozens Injured


Infamous late night “comedy” host James Corden did a stand-up set in Binghamton on Friday, much to his chagrin. Corden, or "The High-Five Emoji from The Emoji Movie” as his friends and family refer to him, attempted and failed to be funny or say anything that was interesting or of any substance whatsoever. A group of disinterested, intoxicated college students watched as Corden stumbled onto the stage, tripping over his enormously large body.

“So”, Corden started in his ear splitting accent, “like what’s up with that airplane food? It’s not very good. I don’t like it.” The crowd stared at him in complete silence as he chuckled to himself. “You know everyone, I don’t have to be here, I could be talking to celebrities, or hosting game shows, or feasting on human fetuses with Jeff Bezos. I’m that cool.”

The crowd turned hostile and the jeers only grew louder as the night went on. “Okay, okay, I have a story. So this one time I was talking to Brad Pitt, and I said ‘Oh, wow, you look so ugly today,’ but see, that’s funny, because the joke is, is that he actually wasn’t ugly looking that day, it was actually the opposite, so that’s what makes the joke funny you know. So we just had a wee old laugh like the good ol’ chaps that we are, because I’m such good friends with him and so many other celebrities, and they all like me very much.” The boos grew fiercer. “Listen, how about I just do a carpool karaoke right now. I whip my hair back and forth. Get it?”

Corden whipped his hair back and forth to little effect, as he had no hair to whip back or forth. The scene escalated when two unidentified men in strongman outfits hurled a four-foot-six circus contortionist directly at Corden’s head. Both Corden and the contortionist gained severe concussions, but the anonymous contortionist is now being lauded as a national hero. Soon the crowd was throwing everything at their disposal at James Corden: drinks, food, shoes, a steam iron, a cartoon acme anvil, three appenine yellow bellied toads, and my own jar of piss were some of the items found on the stage after the chaos.

When asked for a comment about the situation, all Corden said was “Please watch the Late Late Show with James Corden, because the viewership is dropping dramatically, and without that show all I am is an annoying British man.”


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