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  • Laura DeLuca

How NOT to Get COVID-19 (as Told by Someone Who’s University Just Got Shut Down)

Since Binghamton has just moved online for the next two weeks, we are all clearly experts on containing the spread of COVID-19. Who is more cautious than the students of our school, who have continued to party and hang out in large group settings in spite of the pandemic? We know what’s up. Allow me to enlighten you with 10 tips on how to not get COVID-19.

  1. Lick the sidewalk and all door handles (including and most importantly, public bathroom door handles). What are you, scared of a little dirt? Don’t be a wus.

  2. Go to a COVID party. You won’t.

  3. Put your mouth on everything. I mean EVERYTHING. It’s like exposure therapy.

  4. Lick your fingers after you touch every public surface like you just ate a big bag of Cheetos with a possible tinge of COVID. NEVER wash your hands. That’s for sissies.

  5. Pick your nose and touch your eyes as much as possible. We all love to do it anyway.

  6. Inject bleach into your veins as Trump was rumored to have said. Hey, don’t look at me. Our president allegedly said it. He knows what’s good.

  7. Whatever you do, don’t wear a mask. You want to protect the lives of others and your own? Ridiculous. You must be a communist. This is America, where making self-determined choices is key.

  8. Go to Bartle and roll around on the floor. Maybe even put your mouth on it if you’re feeling saucy. Only the fittest will survive.

  9. Leave your house as much as possible. Talk to all of the strangers. Maybe even have sex with them.

  10. If you’re going to be a societal-norm-conforming, smart, and upstanding citizen by choosing to wear a mask, at least make your own, minimally effective one. Check out this easy tutorial on how to create the least effective mask. If you’re going to be responsible, at least make it stupid.

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