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  • Max Lieber

How to Make Your Own Piece of Shit Mask

Let’s face it: times are tough. Not everyone knows how to sew, nor does everyone have the time and resources to do so. If you’re looking for some sort of “cute”, “artsy”, or “funny” face mask, there are more than enough to choose from on Etsy or Redbubble. However, you’re looking at upwards of 10 dollars a pop, not including shipping, for some tacky design or terrible meme. You could also opt for a standard surgical mask, as they might be cheaper and the most reliable answer to staying safe in public. But that's apparently too much to ask for, AND people could still be scalping or hoarding these

As a broke college student, either option may mean years of student debt, shitty loans, and parental reliance. You need something that’s even cheaper, even easier, and even quicker in order to get into Alpha Beta Tau on Friday.

I’ve got just the mask for you: the Piece of Shit-95

You will need:

  • A Sodexo To-Go Box

  • 2 Loose condoms

  • 2 7.5” Pieces of Dental Floss

  • A Knife

Note: You don’t need any of these things. Just wrap some toilet paper around your face, name it the PoS-94, and call it a day.

First, cut out the rectangular box thingy on the top and the bottom of the to-go box. These pieces of cardboard will be the front and back of your mask. Cut two horizontal slits through both, and stab two knife holes through the sides of each, making eight knife holes in total.

Next, take your condoms and stab a hole through their tips. Ouch. (Once you are done with the mask, use them at your own risk. I am not responsible for any unwanted pregnancies.)

Thread a piece of dental floss through each condom, then thread the floss-condoms through the holes you created in step one. You should now have two loops.

Tie these loops together with the knot of your choice.

And there you have it. Your creation, your doing, your accomplishment. This Piece of Shit-95 will be your free ticket into the bars and frats. Best of all, the cardboard is biodegradable, and reusable. The floss and condoms are not, but who cares. God gave us free will so that we could throw our trash anywhere we wish.

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