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  • Brendan Boyce

Elon Musk Denies His Testing on Monkeys Is Inhumane: 'I would do it to humans too'

Earlier this week Elon Musk, father of X Æ A-Xii and Times Man of the Year, an award he shares with other prominent figures like Gandhi, Hitler, Stalin and You, faced public backlash for physically and psychologically torturing monkeys with dystopian computer brain chips. He announced through Twitter that he was too busy to care about their extreme suffering because he was working intently with the Binghamton University Times Tribune on a new cryptocurrency called ButtCoin in order to compete with

the Baxter NFT (we put that in our print edition as a joke, but since then the Baxter NFT market has gone completely rogue. We at the BUTT know that if we pulled the rug from under our shitcoin the SA would definitely ban us as an organization, but fuck you we’re gonna steal your money anyways.)

The BUTT might feel slightly guilty about turning a blind eye to animal abuse, but this Elon guy isn’t like the other billionaires, he’s just so cool and down to earth, and definitely isn’t putting that up as a front so people will like him more, no, no, he would never do that, he’s so cool and stuff. All I’m saying is that if I have to choose between the Metaverse and the Shibaverse for the dystopian nightmare our world will become, I’ll take the Shibaverse. Anyways, Musk said that he followed all regulations and guidelines for animal testing that were in the agreement for his bribe money. He also admitted that sending a monkey into every rocket ship he’s ever launched was not within federal guidelines, but he just thought it was fun, because Elon is just a fun loving guy like you and me.

Amidst all the public backlash, Elon decided to tweet a meme that looked like it came directly out of a collective post on iFunny from 2010, comparing Adolf Hitler and Justin Trudeau, which is a wholly unfair comparison, because Hitler never wore blackface. His twitter became worse and worse, belching out a frenzy of dad jokes, spaceship launches, and stale memes. This is simply another reminder that despite how badly Musk wants to pretend he’s different from other Silicon Valley billionaires, he’s still a massive asshole.

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