- Maxwell Maceluch
Disney to Purchase JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
With JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Stone Ocean nearing its last third as the Green Dolphin Street prisoners have finally escaped to Florida proper, it is all but fitting that the anime is now available on Disney+™. This may be far more than a mere means of increased accessibility, however; many fans have expressed dissatisfaction with the way in which the show’s primary distribution platform, Netflix, has handled its release schedule and promotion to the point where Disney will soon be taking the reins. “With everything they’ve given us, we just can’t keep up anymore,” said anime studio David Production director David S. Production. “Just look at their fruity-ass outfits and you try to animate them on horseback. Bitch. Fuck you.” This flamboyant charm is proving to be major point of contention for Disney as they love the gays about as far as they can suck them into wacky portals in easily removable scenes for foreign audiences.
Netflix has already begun this transition with some minor alterations to the script of Golden Wind. Giorno Giovanna, for instance, was granted a girlfriend in the first episode that is never seen or heard from outside of a brief mention. For the uninitiated, Giorno is a character best known for having two fathers and sporting a pink suit with a bedazzled boob window and ladybug themed brooches on his nipples. Netflix has already done this once before with Neon Genesis Evangelion’s Kaworu Nagisa, a guy that now casually bathes with his boy best friend because he thinks he’s just neat. The golden ratio of homoeroticism in Evangelion to JoJo is nigh unmatched, however, leading to a plethora of changes as revealed by creamy leaks from Binghamton’s anime club Discord.
Here are some changes Disney Fansඞ should expect to see once they own the exclusive streaming rights to JoJo:
Jolyne proclaiming her jealousy towards snails for their ability to have sex regardless of gender will be removed
The scene with Hermes recounting Bugs Bunny’s birthday will be restored to Mickey Mouse’s as it was in the original manga
Foo Fighters, a colony of plankton inhabiting a prisoner’s corpse, will have their pronouns reverted back from Netflix’s decision to use “they/them” to “she/her”
The scenes wherein men appear to give each other head in both Stardust Crusaders and Golden Wind will be removed
Josuke’s cut line wherein he describes a rat as being “like Mickey Mouse” will be reimplemented
Vinegar Doppio will be reanimated with breasts to both straighten out his relationship with the boss and remove a petite klutzy Italian twink with pink hair and breedable hips from the Golden Wind roster
The relationship between Sorbet and Gelato will remain intact, but their executions will receive a fully extended, uncut release as opposed to the brief glimpse shown in the anime
The line wherein Josuke explains that his mind tends to wander when balls are involved will be expanded upon to specify that they remind him of huge, soft breasts
A gap identical to the one between JoJolion’s teeth will be inserted between his two sets of testicles in order to prevent the balls from touching
All poses wherein Johnny and Gyro are holding each other in a tender, warm embrace will be excluded
When confronted on the shift to Disney+لُلُصّبُلُلصّبُررً ॣ ॣh ॣ ॣ 冗 --, JoJo author Hirohiko Araki stated “When I was in primary school, I had a friend who was stupid. One day, as we were playing, he sat on a flowerbed, which was actually some cacti with thorns so tiny we couldn't see them. His shorts were covered in thorns. Immediately he shouted, grabbed his behind, and began to cry as he stroked it, covering his hands in tiny thorns. Even if I told him that the thorns were invisible but still there, he compulsively licked his hands anyway. The thought occurred to me that we should stop being friends.” We informed him that this had nothing to do with the topic at hand, and to that, he stated “When I was a kid, I heard these sorts of rumors about manga artists: manga artists secretly own real handguns and fire them in their basements.” We refrained from pressing on the matter further.
A “Manhattan Transfer” special will be held on October 7th to reveal additional details regarding Disney’s new ownership of the show. While it may be a devastating loss for the majority of the show’s fanbase, there is a “Silver Bullet”. Marvel fans should keep their eyes peeled for the upcoming batch of episodes; this acquisition will ensure a copyrighted character’s cameo that is sure to leave your mouth ajar and credit card ready to purchase more Funko Pops.